It is a really dark place we are going today,I pray that you have enough strength to read through this letter,I want to talk about what you seem to avoid,what you never discuss, the place you avoid going,I want to discuss the pain from your sexual abuse as a child, you've been carrying the pain for too long, its standing in your way and blocking your path.
You haven't been able to proceed in your relationships because any talk of intimacy has to negotiate with it,this is going to the root of intimacy, any kind of intimacy brings your mind to it, and this brings about litters of repressed and bitter memories and this has erected a wall of dam in your heart- the wall holding you back. It takes too much to maintain this wall-too much energy, too much pain,too much resentment, too much fear-its hauling a significant load of stress everyday!
And this causes acne,sudden rashes,bitterness,unhappiness,withdrawals.......... When the load becomes unbearable, you actually snap at people,like a tensed up coil, you just unnecessarily no human has the strength to carry this kind of strain,its too much. You'll keep breaking down if you don't resolve the bitterness and anger, don't let it destroy your future, I know you've tried to blank out the memory,yet it refuses to go away, you've sought to bury your consciousness of it but the grave is shallow,its lying just below the surface, stop turning yourself into an emotional graveyard, the whole thing.......the pain,the bitterness, is like a poison of the soul,like a bile, you shouldn't keep skeletons cause you already have a skeleton, and you've hardened yourself, you've become so hard on the inside , people say you're unforgiving,proud........... You've immersed yourself in work,academics because you think you can find peace in them.
Why the bitterness,anger,frustration,rage,cynicism that make people run away from you and only few people who can cope with this your attitude are willing to be your friend but for how long........ And then you go to that dark place alone,a deep dark place filled with dark blue ink and drown yourself in your pain and frustration, though you seem intelligent,smart,independent to people but you're drowning and you really need a life raft, this is depression if I must be sincere with you, and you know one thing, the man who violated your trust and innocence, the one who gave you this stigma is not aware of your pain, you are in pain---lonesome bitter tears,only you cry inside,warm bitter tears,sometimes hot! I see the foamy layers of anger welled up inside you,overflowing its banks, I see the emotional turmoil.
Not many people will understand why you remained single and not in a relationship despite your attractiveness and a good personality, they don't understand why you cut away people who get too close to you (suddenly and without mercy). You're afraid of intimacy, you need love and intimacy, but you are scared of letting your guard down. But if he stole your childhood, you shouldn't allow him steal your adulthood too!.
I am writing this letter because I just need to discuss this with my pen and paper, there is a weight inside of me, a quiet pain that if you don't look close enough, you wouldn't notice it cause its been surronded by thick walls. But you need to admit that you need help so that you can get delivered, if you are going to have a happy marriage, you need to deal with the past, you need to break this loop, that young man who cares and loves you, why don't you give him a chance to deliver you of this,sometimes it takes a man in our life to help us walk away from the past, so dear,let's begin this journey
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