OPTIONS

Sometimes,we think we are dealing with options and choices when in fact we are not,there are false options in life. I want you to look at the "options" you presented. You're currently dating a guy you said you're not compatible with, and he wants to marry you ASAP,why? Because he doesn't want to lose you,why? "Too many things at stake" yes your differences are so fundamental, you can't stand many things about him,he's a focused young man alright, but you're nonetheless unhappy with him and its obvious you don't love him,the only reason you're struggling with the thought of marrying him is because you want to marry.

But then there's your EX whim you just "went back to" while retaining this other guy. (I can't get past the selfishness at play here, and I'm struggling with who's really the EX) you love this EX, he treats you "like a queen" unlike the other guy - the now acting EX. But this your loving no longer EX has no ambition, no job, no plans, not even to marry you in the next five years! His life philosophy is simple: "let's get it on baby! As in, "let's have sex,live life and everything will fall into place" (what a philosophy). He just wants to be with you p, but when you curiously talk marriage,he gets angry!

    You want me to help you make a choice out of this two gentlemen because you are confused,well, I can't choose for you but we can analyse the facts. You are between two choices,either a loveless marriage to a man you can't stand and you don't love or a marriage to a man whom you say loves you but is jobless,ambition less,with no plans for the future.  Let me be honest with you: how does a man who can't take of himself,take care of a family and you, and how about the babies both of you are going to make, how do they feed and you want assurances of promise from a guy without a plan, he has no plan for his own life! How is he going to make plans for yours? Never confuse maleness for manhood, as a woman, you're going to be frustrated marrying a man without drive,desire or ambition and to the last option on the table.

      Why would you want to marry a man you can't stand and who you don't love? You have no idea what marriage is all about! The real problem is not them but you. Tell me, why the desperation?, why the rush? Is it because you think if you pass this age without a fiance,then,you will be single for life! What you don't know is that marriage will not take away loneliness or cure your insecurities, a lonely man or woman who says " I DO" is still a lonely person who is just married and just because your mother or father's alone after a divorce does not determine your own fate. Grow,mature in wisdom,learn about life,get your bearing,resolve your fears, resolve yourself,develop character ,d enjoy your singularity.
  When the time comes you will know and when the man comes you will know.

    ITS ME YOUR LOVE THERAPIST
                          TADAL

YOUR CHOICE

A good relationship begins with a good choice of partner, so does a good marriage, partner choice determines outcomes, flavours and progressions, just think of the bonding of various chemicals, some are toxic,obnoxious,some volatile,some wonderful. If he's not right for you or you're not right for each other, the relationship will take on issues before commencement, a bad partnership combination filled with hope is an anger fueling bitter memory in the making, and that's how the strange philosophy of "the reality of marriage" comes to being.

    This philosophy propounds that the dream of happiness and romantic bliss in marriage is a fantasy of the unrealistic, that the "reality of marriage" is in actuality full of misery,difficulties,fights and unhappiness, those who propounded this theory are often those seeking accommodation with the consequences of wrongheaded choices, we've come to accept this philosophy by default,it's why some people say, it doesn't matter who you marry, just marry!

    Marriage is not something to be endured,it was instituted by God, God is not a sadist,he didn't institute misery, we did! There are many loving, tender,kind and wonderful marriages, they are filled with romance because the partners dreamt of tenderness and protected their dreams. If your boyfriend is the abusive type,there will be no loving tenderness and sex cannot make up for it,there are things sex can't cure despite the overly misguided belief in the promise of the remedies of physicality, you won't remember the sex in a depressive and hurtful relationship, all you will be concerned about is the exit door!

    We've been talking about choice. And I know the notion of choice has a lot of assumption about it, choice is a picture of two options, for some ladies, is loneliness that makes their choices for them, when there are hardly any prospects, loneliness drives you into desperation and you choose whatever is available, most times,these ladies just want to have a man they can call their own,no matter who he is. But a relationship is a potential marriage and marriage is a bigger deal than most people realize.

  Marriage will determine many outcomes in your life, it will determine your friends and social circle,it will determine your economic fortune,it will determine your emotional health, and it will definitely determine if you will end up a bitter woman or a happy woman. A good marriage is heavenly and a bad marriage is like being in the horrors of hell,what I don't get is you trying to force through a relationship you know will not work, if you can see danger ahead,why force your way into it! I liken this kind of mentality to that of mini bus drivers in Lagos, they do available space driving, people called then danfo drivers, danfo means someone who is not bothered by much and they only operate by one philosophy "as long as there is space"! 

A danfo driver never bothers to look or think ahead,he gets out of a jam by just driving into any available space and even doing damages to other cars and he believes he's smarter than everyone else, I have often wondered why some ladies apply the danfo driver mentality to their relationships, they see trouble ahead but doggedly pursue the relationship into marriage," when we get there,we'll manage whatever problems arise" is their major word, Danfo girlfriend?! 

    Why fight to marry a man who's disdainful of you,someone who goes after your friends and colleagues? Why walk into a life-transforming unhappiness. You're complaining he dumped you, shouldn't you be thanking God?!!!!!!!

    Be happy and calm and let love find you. 

ABUSED

 It is a really dark place we are going today,I pray that you have enough strength to read through this letter,I want to talk about what you seem to avoid,what you never discuss, the place you avoid going,I want to discuss the pain from your sexual abuse as a child, you've been carrying the pain for too long, its standing in your way and blocking your path.


 You haven't been able to proceed in your relationships because any talk of intimacy has to negotiate with it,this is going to the root of intimacy, any kind of intimacy brings your mind to it, and this brings about litters of repressed and bitter memories and this has erected a wall of dam in your heart- the wall holding you back. It takes too much to maintain this wall-too much energy, too much pain,too much resentment, too much fear-its hauling a significant load of stress everyday!


  And this causes acne,sudden rashes,bitterness,unhappiness,withdrawals.......... When the load becomes unbearable, you actually snap at people,like a tensed up coil, you just unnecessarily  no human has the strength to carry this kind of strain,its too much. You'll keep breaking down if you don't resolve the bitterness and anger, don't let it destroy your future, I know you've tried to blank out the memory,yet it refuses to go away, you've sought to bury your consciousness of it but the grave is shallow,its lying just below the surface, stop turning yourself into an emotional graveyard, the whole thing.......the pain,the bitterness, is like a poison of the soul,like a bile, you shouldn't keep skeletons cause you already have a skeleton, and you've hardened yourself, you've become so hard on the inside , people say you're unforgiving,proud........... You've immersed yourself in work,academics because you think you can find peace in them. 


Why the bitterness,anger,frustration,rage,cynicism that make people run away from you and only few people who can cope with this your attitude are willing to be your friend but for how long........ And then you go to that dark place alone,a deep dark place filled with dark blue ink and drown yourself in your pain and frustration, though you seem intelligent,smart,independent to people but you're drowning and you really need a life raft, this is depression if I must be sincere with you, and you know one thing, the man who violated your trust and innocence, the one who gave you this stigma is not aware of your pain, you are in pain---lonesome bitter tears,only you cry inside,warm bitter tears,sometimes hot! I see the foamy layers of anger welled up inside you,overflowing its banks, I see the emotional turmoil.


      Not many people will understand why you remained single and not in a relationship despite your attractiveness and a good personality, they don't understand why you cut away people who get too close to you (suddenly and without mercy). You're afraid of intimacy, you need love and intimacy, but you are scared of letting your guard down. But if he stole your childhood, you shouldn't allow him steal your adulthood too!.

        I am writing this letter because I just need to discuss this with my pen and paper, there is a weight inside of me, a quiet pain that if you don't look close enough, you wouldn't notice it cause its been surronded by thick walls. But you need to admit that you need help so that you can get delivered, if you are going to have a happy marriage, you need to deal with the past, you need to break this loop, that young man who cares and loves you, why don't you give him a chance to deliver you of this,sometimes it takes a man in our life to help us walk away from the past, so dear,let's begin this journey