SILENT HELL

Dear Jack, what I'm  trying so hard to help you
avoid is the 20year Mistake. You see, there
are some relationship mistakes we make in life that
take twenty years to get out of. I know it sounds
incredible but it's  the truth. There are many â
20yr veterans all over life. You're just not
aware. A typical mistake that can cost you 20yrs of
your life is impregnating someone you don't love
who becomes mother of your child. You can't wish
the child away. It matters little whether you marry her
or not. Opportunistic sex has consequences, and once
a child is produced you step into unplanned history.
That woman will be in your life for the duration of the
life of that child, meaning till you die, other things
being equal. No young man plans for that. It was
opportunistic sex, remember! Just lust finding a
partner. But life insists if you go that way, it means
you planned for the consequences. You can't
complain. You have to adjust your life accordingly for
having a child out of wedlock.
And it's not just opportunistic sex that can produce
the 20yr problem. Marrying someone you
shouldn't does the same. The warning signs are
always there. Better to have a broken engagement
than to have a broken marriage. If your girlfriend is a
serial cheat for example, you can't complain of
unfaithfulness in marriage if you go ahead with it. The
signs were there, but you chose to ignore the facts.
She already showed you she wasn't going to be
faithful. What usually happens is that some people
take on the mantle of messiah, seeking to accept
their girlfriends. And they seek to prove their
goodness by insisting on pursuing marriage to
someone who'll bring them sorrow. These are
insistent do-gooders who want the praise of the world
for marrying the wrong woman. There's some
psychological reward they get for insisting on going
into marriage with someone with questionable
tendencies. Having been rewarded for bad behavior,
the woman of course continues with those morals and
they begin to suffer. Having forgiven so much, they
then get annoyed at discovery of one more instance
of cheating after marriage. They become mean to the
woman, terribly mean. Their character changes. They're angry. The reason they're angry is because
they feel they should be rewarded with fidelity for
enduring so much. They feel the woman should
reward them for overlooking the past and ignoring the
facts of infidelity during courtship. That kind of
marriage is essentially over. The condition precedent
needed to make it successful is out of the man's
control. The marriage can only work if the woman
reforms, and the man can't control that factor. It's up to the woman.
When the success of a marriage is dependent on
reformation of a partner's character that's a
difficult one. Why marry a thief hoping for reformation
of character? What if he refuses to reform? What
becomes of the marriage? The normal challenges of a
young marriage are thus compounded and burdened
with major character issues. How does a young man
cope in a marriage with such reformational character
challenge? It's tough. Always deal with facts in
your relationship, not wishful thinking. If your girlfriend
is a thief, you're dating a thief not someone who can change. If you want to marry a non-thief,
date a non-thief. Why go for a thief you hope will
become a non-thief? It's like all those guys who
want to marry a civil servant but then go for a
businesswoman hoping to convert her. Why?! A lot of
people make this mistake. They don't  deal with the
facts in front of them, they don't acknowledge the
facts. If a woman dates a man without drive for
instance, she has to accept the high possibility of an
unmotivated husband. Going into marriage with such a
person with a view to changing him is rather
presumptuous! If you can't accept the man or
woman in front of you don't go into the marriage.
Deal with facts. If you date a lazy person you have to
accept the very high probability you'll have a lazy
spouse if you marry. Ditto if you date the unhygienic,
someone with similar standards of hygiene as that
improbably named character from Asterix. Does that
mean we're saying people can't change? Of
course not. There's always the possibility of
redemption. But when you approach marriage you
must take a pragmatic view. You deal with the facts
in front of you. just saying that simple mistake
as per marital choice can cost you 20yrs of your life.
But the time you finally come out of it, you'll be
shocked twenty years have gone. And then you're
going to have years you can't account for as
years in depression, years in battle. The depression
and those battles are huge distractions. They divert
your energy.
Marry right. If you choose to marry someone you don't love or who doesn't love you, you married a
stranger essentially. Without love couples are
emotional strangers in cohabitation. The lack of love
and affection will of course produce indifference,
which then produces emotional torture. That
emotional indifference can easily lead to adultery and
hatred. Then the home becomes hell. And couples
don't have to have a shouting match before a
marriage becomes hell. There are silent hells. When
your spouse quietly tolerates you, you know you're
in a silent hell. When your spouse makes no complaint
but won't touch you, you know you're in silent
hell. When you and your spouse don't quarrel but
your marriage is essentially functional, you're in
silent hell. When the state of the marriage makes
even the food stale and you have to swallow it, you're in silent hell. And when you can't solve a
marriage problem however you wish or try, you're
in silent hell. When to all appearances you're a wonderful couple but can't stand each other
you're in silent hell. A good marriage is heaven. A
bad marriage is hell. It's that simple. Why risk
putting yourself in jail for twenty years. If it's
obvious it can't work let it be. I want it to
work is sometimes an expression of foolishness.
Don't put yourself in silent hell. That's not an
accommodation you should go for.

BE THE BEST MAN YOU CAN BE

My dear Jack, let me teach you two laws to be cognizant of in this
relationship. The two laws seem obvious, sound almost stupid. Yet
they’re so potent and powerful. Sometimes, laws and principles seem so
obvious. Take gravity for example. It seems so obvious. And yet that
law determines a whole lot of things. You couldn’t fly without taking
cognizance of gravity. The things that are obvious in life are
sometimes so consequential, sometimes so potent. I came upon these two
laws of relationship as I meditated on my bed very early one morning
and I thought to share with you.

As a man, your emotional pool is pretty shallow. Women have a deeper
emotional pool. That lack of emotional depth manifests in men not
crying over many things, being rational, not being emotional. And
society conditions men not to express emotions, not to cry. Men don’t
cry is a rite of passage mantra. These invariably play out in a
relationship. And so you can’t understand a woman’s emotions, not
without effort. Think of it like a swimming pool. She’s at the deep
end of the pool, you’re at the shallow end. Even though both of you
are in the pool, yet your experiences and fears differ. At your
shallow end, there’s not much threat you’re facing. But at her deep
end, the potential for catastrophe is greater. She can be drowned in
the pool of emotions because she’s at the deep end. You’re not.

And so what she guards against will be more significant than what you
do. To the woman, the man will come across as insensitive. That’s
because he’s a native of the shallow end of the emotional pool. And to
the man, the woman will come across as too emotional because she’s at
the deep end of the emotional pool. These emotional perspectives have
to be managed in a relationship. It means as a man, there are some
things you won’t “get”, not unless you make a try. And the woman won’t
get why you seem so “cold” and rational because she dwells at the deep
end of emotional pool. Thus women tend to be more empathetic because
of their emotional habitat.

In a sense, the difference in perspective is not the fault of either
sexes, but the burden is on you as a man. The Peterist principle is
that you should relate to your wife/girlfriend from a knowledge
perspective. If you don’t understand her emotional range, you’re going
to run into trouble in your relationship. You’ll come across as
unfeeling if you don’t try and understand where she’s coming from
emotionally. There’s thus a sensitivity issue men naturally have in a
relationship because of their makeup. The two laws I’m talking about
will help you process her emotionalism RATIONALLY, so you have less
trouble.

Here’s the first law of emotional range: Whatever makes her happy she
takes seriously. Yeah, I know that sounds stupid but like we said,
stupid sounding principles are very potent stuff. Let me elaborate and
give you understanding of this “stupid” principle. If she spends hours
on end putting together what she’ll wear during the week, it means
fashion means a lot to her. And so she’ll spend many hours in her
closet matching shoes, bags and accessories with apparel. Her plan for
the week. Not all women are like this. But there are those these
things mean a lot to. There’s so much detailing and particularization,
and so much effort and intelligence involved. There’s consideration of
shades of colour. That’s how you get to know there are 256 shades of
red. Even the emotional quality of leath

LAWS OF EMOTIONS

My dear Jack, I’m sending you the mail I sent to Jil on your behalf.
And I attached the mail I sent to you. You will see I’m blunt in my
assessment, but this is your best shot:“My dear Jil, sometimes we do
stupid and we don’t know why. Men can be that way. Yet stupid has
consequences. Your boyfriend did stupid. All I’m asking is that you
give the young man an opportunity to redeem himself. It’s your
decision what you do after, but at least give him a chance to prove
his love to you.

I have remonstrated him as you can imagine. Though he didn’t tell me
exactly what happened, I surmised a few things. He wrote me this
moving letter, telling of his undying love for you. He does think the
world of you. I will send you the letter. He’s been crying, full of
regrets. He can’t live his character down. He’s not been able to
forgive himself. He can’t imagine a future without you. I sent him
this follow up mail. Thought you should read it:

“My dear Jack, I want you to be the best man you can be. If God gives
you a wonderful woman you should value her dearly. You need that
wonderful woman beside you. Life is easier when someone shares the
journey with us. I say be the best man you can be. If God gives you an
understanding woman, be grateful. The best way to show appreciation to
Omnipotence is by treating her right.

We all need a kind and gracious partner in this journey called life –
one who genuinely cares. When you meet such a woman, the woman of your
dreams – when you have found her, stop looking. If you begin to search
for what you already have what you’re looking for is a substitutionary
fake. You’re not looking for a generic woman, are you? What you want
is the woman who is just right for you. And when you meet her treasure
her, love her with all you’ve got. A good woman should not be lost.

If you do lose a good woman, go and beg her; woo her back, before
another comes to take your place. Make sure you’re a good man to your
wife and a good father to your kids. Be the best man you can be. Life
will place temptations in your way and make demands of you. But be the
best man you can be. Resist temptation. We are at our best when we’re
full of nobility and virtue, when we pursue groundedness. Pursue
groundedness, not the fad of the moment. Fads come and go but nobility
and virtue abide.

As you go on and grow in life, you will discover you have certain
emotional needs only a loving woman can meet. If you meet that one
woman who understands and loves you, do your best to keep her. Don’t
let her walk away. If you mistreat her, you force life to give her the
option of moving on. Someone who can see what you can’t see may snatch
her. And you will be left alone to contemplate what might have been.

Jack, happiness is important in life, but not every woman can give you
happiness. If you meet that one woman who makes you happy, whose love
you can trust, work hard to keep her. If you meet that one woman who
gives you so much peace, so much joy and believes in you, work hard to
keep her.

To be the best man you can be, you will need discipline. Don’t go
window-shopping for temptations. Discipline presupposes choice. It
presupposes tempting options. Stay the course, with resolve. Remember,
we are what we do, not what we say. And when you do find that one
woman you can give your heart to, remember, she’s a custodian of your
health and joy.

Go for substance, not just form. If you get carried away with form you
may miss substance. Be the best man you can be. Be responsible. Be
serious-minded, be focused, be determined.

Learn to appreciate worth and value. Pray you know when you meet a
valuable woman. Be the best man you can be. Don’t make your woman
unhappy, make her glad. If you do find that woman whose love nurtures
your soul, keep her, cherish her. If you do meet that woman whose
heart is a gift that keeps on giving, what a lucky man you are!

Life is full of difficulties. The love of that one woman is your
comfort, the ameliorator of the many challenges of life. Be the best
man you can be. If you have that one woman in your world, don’t go on
space exploration! Try and be the best man you can be. That much you
owe yourself, not just her. If you lose her, it takes so much more to
woo her back. So don’t lose her. If you lose her who is your world, go
and woo her back. Or there will be a hole in your heart. If you divine
your future and it looks incomplete without her, by all means, woo her
back.

I am talking about that woman you want, the one you can’t do without,
the one you want by you, always, the best friend you have. God’s
ultimate gift to you, your gift of love and life; the one who just
gets you, understands you, covers your shame. Your jewel of
compassion. If after a rational examination of your life you can’t
imagine any other woman, don’t you dare lose her.

Our lives are defined by who we marry, who we love. They become
creators of us. Love becomes you. You are who you are because of the
one you love. Do not lose her. If you lose her, you lose yourself.
Character is a component of love. It is what builds trust. Try to be
the best man you can be. If she loves you to Mars and back, take her
on a love adventure to Pluto and back. That is fair. Be the best man
you can be, I say!”