LOVE

There's a lot we need to learn about this thing called life, the philosophy of life we adopt determines the outcome of our lives, choose your philosophy wisely I'd say, the source of the philosophy of life we adopt must be proven, comprehensive in scope and robust, it cannot be limited or developed solely from our circumstances and experiences, that's the surest way to end up as prisoners of our circumstances and difficulties. 

A young lady asked me a question one day,she said"how can one say that love heals, she asked? Is it not the love that breaks hearts and leaves so much pain in its wake". Here's the problem, she has formulated a philosophy of life from a painful experience, this lady has taken a crude cleaver into the analysis of her life experiences instead of using a surgeons scalpel, she couldn't see that love didn't cause her pain,a boyfriend did! And obviously like all of us at one point or the other, does not understand what love is, and so you have a philosophy of life created on the wobbly scaffold of false premises. We must learn to avoid building our life philosophy from bad experiences, least a lonesome experience, we can't build a life philosophy from emotional reaction to experiences, it is yet another dangerous approach... 

Emotion is a thermometer and a medium of expression of feelings, we cannot confuse the thermometer with temperature and so far thermometer is not temperature, then emotion is not love,emotion is an expressor. Don't forget it can express anger too! By the same token, we cannot confuse sex with love even though we use both terms interchangeably. Sex is a physical progression of sensual and libidinous desire, it is not love , you can have sex without love,the obvious question is,WHAT IS LOVE? Is love the romance novel scenario of happily ever after? Is love the fast beating of the heart from excitement of meeting someone? Is it sex? Then WHAT IS LOVE? Love is not emotions though emotions has its value, I would never know how I feel about someone without emotions, its a translator of feelings, but feelings can be fleeting and deceitful, lust often parades itself as love.

The classic definition of love presumes a wholesomeness of relationship beyond lust and fickleness, it presents an ideal aspiration;it is a litmus test of the true state of our heart toward someone, it helps us determine if lust or true love is speaking, it helps us to know who truly loves and who is loving.

Love endures long and is patient and kind;love is never envious nor boils over with jealousy; love is not boastful or vainglorious; does not display itself haughtily; love is not conceited, arrogant or inflated with pride; it is not rude and does not act becomingly; love does not insist on its own right or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; love takes no account of the evil done to it;love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness; love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person; it hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything without weakening; love never fades out or becomes obsolete.

Look all around you and look at the most loving person you know,you'll see these verses in them. This is the prescription for enduring relationships, the key is humility and honesty

WHISPERS

  I met an extraordinary man named Richard last week online, and this man is really old, he's like any ordinary man who bathe, dress like every other person, Richard had a wonderful marriage, his wife was beautiful, tender-hearted, loving, kind devoted. To be honest, she was too beautiful for him, and those who met them could not believe Richard had such a prize, but she saw in Richard the things that matter, she saw his self effacement, nobility, constancy and character, and those are the items that made her say yes to this clumsy man.


Richard was a scientist and his line of work requires constancy, as scientist you should know what I mean by now. Everything was going on well for Richard and his wife and kids until one day when Richard's wife was diagnosed with cancer, Richard didn't just sit home and worry over his wife's condition, he went into the lab and began to look for a cure for breast cancer and he began experimenting on mice. He radically aged mice and programmed them to die within 21 days and one day, he injected a group of these mice with stem cells four days before the end of their life span,  after injecting them with things to prolong their life span and these mice miraculously lived 72 days.


He was so happy because he had a gate-way to prolong his wife's life and he also knew it would take years before government would approve an experiment on humans! But he couldn't wait and you know its not uncommon for scientist to try something on themselves. Richard injected himself with this substance, do you know what happened? The young cells in his body overthrew the older cells, and he started feeling discomfort but he couldn't tell anyone not even his wife. And so Richard kept this secret to himself. And as days goes by, Richard refuse to age but unfortunately his wife died, he waxed stronger and his memory was so sharp but he didn't age, and soon he outlived all his children and his grandchildren and he became a sage and a man who knows it all.


When we discussed some marriage tips, he told me this;
« What we are in the habit of doing, we often carry into marriage
« Unchecked,bad habits are potential destroyers of matrimony
« Make your spouse trust you and keep that trust.
« Have a bond so strong that death will even struggle to break it
« Couples should understand and communicate with one another and the both of you should WANT the relationship
« Be best of friends and accept each other's inadequacies and imperfections
« You both should have friendship,commitment,love,fidelity,acceptance,understanding,appreciation and celebration
      I wonder about a lot of things and I hope you wonder too: "WHAT WILL MY PARTNER REMEMBER IF I LEAVE OR IF SOMETHING DRIVES US APART"

LETTER TO THE LADIES

Dear lady,let me pretend this day that I know where you're at. That I know your pain,too many people theorize prescriptions about getting over hurt and pain, they've never been hurt in a relationship, I pretend because no one can ever feel what you feel, no one can know the hurt, such pain is individualized, I do understand how holding on to pain can seem natural. The pain actually keeps coming back at you, on its own. Meeting someone who asks about your Ex can trigger memories, and some mean people will deliberately ask, they just want the delight of having you confirm what they already know. Its their one-upmanship,have you ever heard of schandenfreude? Its a german word for delight in the misfortune of others, some people will deliberately ask about your Ex years after you've moved on, and they know you've moved on. These are biological competitors. They're in competition with you, though you don't even know!



You realize it on reflection. They're happy that at least one "something bad" happened to you!
(Forgive my english). Part of your pain is being the subject of gossip among such people, the truth is,some people will blame you for the breakup even though they don't know the facts. Don't even bother to defend yourself the them, if they blamed you before knowing the facts,what's the point?
They are not interested in the truth, you can't convince them,then stop argy-bargying your soul. If a man makes up his mind against you outside of knowledge of facts you're dealing with prejudicial bias.



Dear,you're dealing with too many pains, there's the pain of breakup itself,then,the pain of the way you were treated ,there's the pain of emotional investment in an unfruitful life venture, then the pain of what people are saying-hurtful things. Even your so-called friends joined the fray! Then you have the pain of the untruths your Ex is encouraging, and his deviant constructive omission of facts, he wants you to come out looking bad even though he instigated the breakup, then there's the pain of the ignorant presuming to lecture you and your smiling forbearance of such didactic presumptuousness, that's a lot of pain and hurt to deal with lady! Even though you now have a fantastic,kind and loving man in your life, you have fears, this despite the fact there's almost zero probability he'll never hurt you, he loves you so!




I know its not him you are afraid of, its the 'zone'- that place where you're unprotected, where you were hurt, its the place you gave your innocent self-the place of pain, painful pain. You went into a relationship not even aware of the possibility of hurt, you never knew hurt exists-that place. Those who've never been there don't know why the heart winces at the thought of stepping foot there again, the heart winces because the hurt is so deep, and the exposure long. The pain is residual so I understand if you're afraid of wholly committing yourself to a new relationship, it's not that you don't want to,fear just holds you back, inside.


You don't want to go that place of vulnerability again, you must however find a way to let go; to love without reservation again, you NEED the fullness of love , you won't get there unless you forgive, you must stop plotting emotional vengeance , you need to leave the past behind. When we start creating scenarios in our head about having an opportunity to repay those who hurt us.

When we strategies on how to repay those who hurt us in higher denominations and stronger currency.when we visualize a place of power-to be in a superior position to do hurt to the hurtful.........when we mentally plan that moment where we can look at those who hurts us with a knowing and a glee...........when we imagine our"its my turn now!" Moment........... We are in the realm of emotional vengeance.

You need to let go, remove your clutching fingers from the fabric of the past,its passed! You have to move on! See,more people are still going to hurt you in life,its the nature of this zoological community we call life. People are going to say nasty things about you- people you know and people you don't know, if you're going to succeed in life you better get ready for slander of total strangers! If you don't let go of this you'll become vindictive and forgiving. You'll become ultra-sensitive and touchy. Then you do real damage to yourself, its difficult to have a relationship with a touchy person. A touchy person puts up defenses where there's no attack, corrections are read as "attack". If you don't let go you can't develop healthy trust in people, you'll be distrustful, yet expect trust from others ,without trust you'll become controlling and that will strangulate your relationship.

 Your tone with your boyfriend will become instructive, commanding and rude you'll become dissociate and start projecting yourself. No one can reach "you". In order to protect yourself you'll block people out,setting up invisible psychological barriers thick as a wall. Then self-righteousness sets in,after all you're just protecting yourself from potential hurt. Pride instinctively follows because you're not allowing anyone near you. Who can question the wisdom of your course? In this condition you will become emotionally unattractive and you will discount your great qualities when pain processes us and drops us on the dung hill of life. Love picks us up and we emerge in another dimension.

 Let love heal you,love heals. Life is not a straight line,a continuation from pain to happiness. Experience exist in different spheres,you have a new opportunity to know happiness. If you don't let go of the past,the future will not come. I'll like to ask you a question: IS YOUR EX REALLY WORTH YOUR FUTURE?

LETTER TO THE MEN

Dear man,you are beginning to think about marriage, its nice to prepare mentally though I must warn you that no matter the preparation,it still has its own surprises. Marriage comes pre-loaded with responsibility for a man, you're going to be responsible for a full grown adult. A man must not only be able to meet his own needs, he must be able to meet the needs of his marriage as well, and you want your wife to respect you,not just love you. Respectability has dimensions,you want your wife to respect your sense of responsibility,your wisdom,your maturity,you want her to admire your approach to issues, your striving and aspirations,your worthiness in the society of men. Marriage is not for boys,it is for men.



A man auto-assumes certain responsibilities in marriage,like rent and feeding,if you don't pay rent or put down "housekeeping" money how are you going to gain respect?  And when the kids come I expect you"ll pick up the tabs for school fees and children's upkeep too!. When you don't take up these basic responsibilities the woman is forced to step up to the plate and she becomes boss lady. I'm not saying a woman shouldn't contribute in a marriage, a wise woman would contribute to the success of her marriage and her husband but we must not confuse contribution with responsibility.



You have fundamental responsibility for certain headers, when you work hard to meet those obligations, your woman will respect you and your sense of responsibility, responsibility defines a man. It may not be easy at first,it isn't always easy,its why you need to work hard, you start somewhere and demonstrate where you're going, be focused, you have someone to impress remember!!!!



A woman might struggle with you and be there through the hard times but let me tell you the truth, it is just for sometime because all women appreciate comfort, you'll need to work hard, a young man must be hardworking, most men says" work smart and not hard" but what they don't know is that hard work brings success not smart work so work hard and not smart. I also want you to know that you are not going to get any award from any woman for working hard or just because you paid rent or put food on the table, You'll need to layer something on top if you want extra love and that's being real!!!.

Learn to spray your woman with gifts no matter how small,just start small and grow it so that when times are rough and let me assure you tough times will surely come, your wife will remember that you are a generous man that if you don't give its because you can't! And then she will pray for things to normalize because you are a generous man. But you'll discover as times goes by that being a man is not enough, you want to be THE MAN!

You want your wife to confidently say in the company of women that "don't worry,my husband will take care of it", you want her to have the assurance that no matter what she faces out there,when she gets home she can pour it out to you...... Your wife must be able to look up to you emotionally, this. Is very important. And now to the elusive feature on the wife choosing list.

When I ask young men what they really want in a marriage......... No one ever mentions PEACE and the best thing you can have in a marriage is PEACE, you can't have a HOME without PEACE but you can have a house or an apartment. You must understand the value of peace in the home. Many men work late and overtime at work because they are avoiding going home, she may be beautiful,homely, has a good character but if she can't give you peace then the others are very useless, because there is no use for all the achievements, fame and money if there's no peace at home. Lack of peace will turn your health and life into a misery.

You ought to want to go home at the end of each blessed day to see your wife! In essence strive to be responsible and strive to have a wholesome and loving relationship and I wish you the best in your search for that special partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!