MEN AND CLEAVINGS

I sometimes find myself in the unenviable position of passing on difficult truth. Today is another one of those instances. But it's a responsibility I'm unperturbed about. I am enjoined by my Creator and my conscience to speak the truth to you in love, always. We sometimes need difficult truth. 

 

It's important in life to be able to prioritise one's hierarchy of sociology. Young men don't always do this. God's word says your wife is your No.1 priority. Not your children, not your extended family, or friends. Difficult truth. You can't possibly know more about marriage than God. He created it. And you can't be wiser than God. You have to decide what philosophy you want to live by: God's or man's. Whatever decision you take will determine several outcomes in your life. 

 

People get confused mixing up God's directives with human convention.   We sometimes can't make up our mind whether we want to follow destructive societal templates or follow God. And so like a zig-zagging crab we jaunt to the right and to the left with the aim of forward movement. The moment you decided to take a wife, you sent a notice to the whole world. You told past girlfriends it's really over. And I want you to keep off! You told your family you're ready to leave home, to create an independent family unit though federated. You informed your friends and drink buddies your conjugation is a higher dimension of friendship. After all, who can ever be closer to you than the woman who is one flesh with you? These notices of yours have definitive implications. Those implications sometimes clash with strongly held cultural beliefs and human traditions. 

 

Some of those traditions have wrecked marriages through generations. Tell me, how is it that your sister, or brother holds sway over your marriage like it's a colonial entity? How is it that your sisters can come into your home, shove aside your wife and occupy her kitchen? How is it that every decision you make with your wife needs ratification by your family, as if it's a UN charter? How is it that your sisters and their children take economic priority over your wife's needs? How is it that your family members can slap your wife in your home yet claim to respect you? How is it that your family members can cart things away from your home irrespective of your wife? And why would you choose to live in the family house with your wife? She's going to live under tension! "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife". It's a powerful statement. If you don't leave how can you cleave? 

 

And some men cleave unto past girlfriends after marriage, still texting, calling, arranging meetings. Some cleave to their sister. It's why they take decisions with their sister about their home and wife. Some cleave to drink buddies and sports buddies. They'd rather go to the club and bond than go home. To be sure women do variants of these things too. Some sit with their friends and gorge on their spouse. Will address that sometime in the future. This is a letter to men. It is amazing that we lump marital malfeasance under a nebulous header called "African Culture & Tradition". 

 

Of course being "tradition", no one has seen a written copy of this trado-cultural code. In other words, tradition can be anything self interested subscribers call it. And if these self interested people hold on to their beliefs and practices for long then it becomes "culture". After all culture is integrated belief and behaviour. 

But tell me, if the family is the basic unit of society, how then can cultural tradition be seeking to destroy marriages? A society propagating a tradition of marital annihilation is soon sociologically annihilated. African tradition as defined by these people comes across as negation of society. 

 

And what exactly is this "African Tradition & Culture"? Is it a mother who having lost her husband decides her son is her new husband and begins to contend with his wife? Is African tradition the strange philosophy of a woman being granted temporary residence in her own marriage? How do we explain a mother trying to destroy a marriage for the ONLY reason that the woman is from another tribe? These things are obviously wrong. How come we never question them?! 

 

Surely not everyone buys into these philosophies! There are many mothers-in-law who love their daughters-in-law and respect their marriages. Are such loving mothers-in-law not African? So who defined this aberrant culture of marital destruction? And which tradition? You're not really displaying wisdom subjugating your wife to these forces of nature. You're subjugating yourself, she's you! You're one. You can't separate her from you, it's an illusion! 

 

What kind of "tradition" gives extended family members the right to seize a man's assets upon his unfortunate death? The wife and children are rendered homeless, without means for education or livelihood. What type of ideology is, "Family is family, wife is a stranger"?! You better set your priorities right. Legacies include memories. We don't want Junior cursing Daddy's memory do we? 

BABY MAMA

Dear, the only reason you are in a university is to get a good education, boys are secondary, your education is primary, you need to get this clear lest you end up with a mismatched university calendar...... Your grade point cannot be dropping on account of a boy or emotional entanglement. If you attain every other thing on campus but you refuse to secure a good education what does it profit you! Seek first a good certificate and at this stage of your life, men are just addictive and that's the truth.

  This baby mama stuff is the latest trend today but believe me when I say becoming a baby mama is not as glamorous as it sounds, it will alter and change your life in ways you can't imagine, babies are not shoes that can be thrown out when you are tired of them, you are stick with them for the rest till you die! Even our parents are still stuck with us remember!. I know people say it’s an accident but let's be realistic, pregnancies don't come by accident.

 The truth is you are surrounded with active young men with raging hormones and at that stage, men think a lot about sex and these hormonal surges will still be in them for the next five decades so why rush! That's the reason why young men take off immediately they hear the word "I'm pregnant" because they suddenly realize they aren't ready for fatherhood. The issue of readiness for fatherhood is a big challenge for men, even married men! And the girl is the only one left with a bulging stomach and even our society is so hypocritical that the shame falls on the girl forgetting that the boy also had sex!

      The truth is your body will change and it cannot be the same again, you will have stretch marks and forget parties because your nice clothes won't fit anymore and your friends will whisper behind your back, gossips about you.......... Are you sure you can face that? And even after you become someone later in future people will still talk about you, they will judge your life like an experiment even though they are not innocent themselves.
  My advice for you, make friends but face your studies! Be focused and be wise. I remain your friend on the planet earth TADAL

What Other Nigerian Independent Artistes Should Learn from VTEK's Success Story

You all know me as a love therapist and an OAP. That's what comes to mind when the name Temiloluwa Ade-Alao or TADAL come to play. I usually blog about relationship tips, but speaking with young celebrity producer of Psquare;VTEK and his manager, i was blown away and i felt it would be nice to share one or two words with other independent musicians.

 Current young independent artists like Olamide, Iyanya..... to mention a few are making their mark in Nigeria now as music business entrepreneurs. This is my word to all independent artistes,still hoping to get signed by a label or working toward becoming famous. It's one thing to become famous and another to maintain the status. Like they say, it comes with proper plan not just working hard alone to be successful. 

You have to find a means of converting your artistic value into market value by creating a demand for your music, image and brand. The young man VTEK has set a good example for every serious and determine independent musicians in Nigeria to follow right now. His new single "Spotlight" featuring Capital F.E.M.I got over a million downloads within a month. He is still working on a promotional tour while millions of fans are still awaiting the video to the song. Close to sealing a multimillion naira endorsement/tour sponsorship deal with an international liquor brand. Setting up his personal imprint and partnering with 2 major music outfits in Nigeria and USA. 

What a good start for a career you would say as a young music business entrepreneur. Many would say he is being influenced by the Psquare as their official producer while some will say Eedris Abdulkareem and Kennis Music maybe ones triggering the moves based on their recent closeness.

 Here is what VTEK and his management have to say; quoting VTEK: "We all have dreams but learning from others especially those who are ahead of you make it easy for you to actualize your dreams". His manager Mr.Femi Lawal in his own words said: "What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate. We've been working according to plan and we learn from everyone around us. Our strategy is paying close attention to every little things people say because they can have the biggest impact at times and it has been working for us".

Wow! I must confess, I felt inspired by the words from VTEK and his manager. This is something to be kept on the right palm by other independent musicians. Music is now a business and it's either you do the business or play yourself out.

To some people - music is culture & family. To others it is a trend & a business. Where do you stand?

If you are not part of the above mentioned then you need to sit and think.There is a truth that you must realize about being a successful musician, music is a business! So if you want to make a living out of music, then you will have to organize your project in a way that makes money. 

 I hope this post will help you as an independent artist gain some insight and change your thinking about music and business. Don't get it wrong, it's easy in as much as you are ready to work and present yourself as a brand and not just another emerging artiste. 

We've seen many artistes come and go. These are the ones we call one hit wonder. Have you taken the time to think about what you would do what the fame comes? Many only focus of getting famous alone please dear brothers and sisters it's beyond just that. 

Like VTEK said, try to learn from everyone around you. Have a business plan along side with a project plan. I have been following him for a while now and i hope to see what the next few years have in stock for him. Following every stages of activities around VTEK's career, it is clear; there is a working plan. Meeting with Psquare, working with Eedris and other major acts are just door opener because he was able to justify himself with his single "Spotlight" and his follow up moves, tell it all.

Congratulations VTEK... Keeping an eye on you.

OPTIONS

Sometimes,we think we are dealing with options and choices when in fact we are not,there are false options in life. I want you to look at the "options" you presented. You're currently dating a guy you said you're not compatible with, and he wants to marry you ASAP,why? Because he doesn't want to lose you,why? "Too many things at stake" yes your differences are so fundamental, you can't stand many things about him,he's a focused young man alright, but you're nonetheless unhappy with him and its obvious you don't love him,the only reason you're struggling with the thought of marrying him is because you want to marry.

But then there's your EX whim you just "went back to" while retaining this other guy. (I can't get past the selfishness at play here, and I'm struggling with who's really the EX) you love this EX, he treats you "like a queen" unlike the other guy - the now acting EX. But this your loving no longer EX has no ambition, no job, no plans, not even to marry you in the next five years! His life philosophy is simple: "let's get it on baby! As in, "let's have sex,live life and everything will fall into place" (what a philosophy). He just wants to be with you p, but when you curiously talk marriage,he gets angry!

    You want me to help you make a choice out of this two gentlemen because you are confused,well, I can't choose for you but we can analyse the facts. You are between two choices,either a loveless marriage to a man you can't stand and you don't love or a marriage to a man whom you say loves you but is jobless,ambition less,with no plans for the future.  Let me be honest with you: how does a man who can't take of himself,take care of a family and you, and how about the babies both of you are going to make, how do they feed and you want assurances of promise from a guy without a plan, he has no plan for his own life! How is he going to make plans for yours? Never confuse maleness for manhood, as a woman, you're going to be frustrated marrying a man without drive,desire or ambition and to the last option on the table.

      Why would you want to marry a man you can't stand and who you don't love? You have no idea what marriage is all about! The real problem is not them but you. Tell me, why the desperation?, why the rush? Is it because you think if you pass this age without a fiance,then,you will be single for life! What you don't know is that marriage will not take away loneliness or cure your insecurities, a lonely man or woman who says " I DO" is still a lonely person who is just married and just because your mother or father's alone after a divorce does not determine your own fate. Grow,mature in wisdom,learn about life,get your bearing,resolve your fears, resolve yourself,develop character ,d enjoy your singularity.
  When the time comes you will know and when the man comes you will know.

    ITS ME YOUR LOVE THERAPIST
                          TADAL

YOUR CHOICE

A good relationship begins with a good choice of partner, so does a good marriage, partner choice determines outcomes, flavours and progressions, just think of the bonding of various chemicals, some are toxic,obnoxious,some volatile,some wonderful. If he's not right for you or you're not right for each other, the relationship will take on issues before commencement, a bad partnership combination filled with hope is an anger fueling bitter memory in the making, and that's how the strange philosophy of "the reality of marriage" comes to being.

    This philosophy propounds that the dream of happiness and romantic bliss in marriage is a fantasy of the unrealistic, that the "reality of marriage" is in actuality full of misery,difficulties,fights and unhappiness, those who propounded this theory are often those seeking accommodation with the consequences of wrongheaded choices, we've come to accept this philosophy by default,it's why some people say, it doesn't matter who you marry, just marry!

    Marriage is not something to be endured,it was instituted by God, God is not a sadist,he didn't institute misery, we did! There are many loving, tender,kind and wonderful marriages, they are filled with romance because the partners dreamt of tenderness and protected their dreams. If your boyfriend is the abusive type,there will be no loving tenderness and sex cannot make up for it,there are things sex can't cure despite the overly misguided belief in the promise of the remedies of physicality, you won't remember the sex in a depressive and hurtful relationship, all you will be concerned about is the exit door!

    We've been talking about choice. And I know the notion of choice has a lot of assumption about it, choice is a picture of two options, for some ladies, is loneliness that makes their choices for them, when there are hardly any prospects, loneliness drives you into desperation and you choose whatever is available, most times,these ladies just want to have a man they can call their own,no matter who he is. But a relationship is a potential marriage and marriage is a bigger deal than most people realize.

  Marriage will determine many outcomes in your life, it will determine your friends and social circle,it will determine your economic fortune,it will determine your emotional health, and it will definitely determine if you will end up a bitter woman or a happy woman. A good marriage is heavenly and a bad marriage is like being in the horrors of hell,what I don't get is you trying to force through a relationship you know will not work, if you can see danger ahead,why force your way into it! I liken this kind of mentality to that of mini bus drivers in Lagos, they do available space driving, people called then danfo drivers, danfo means someone who is not bothered by much and they only operate by one philosophy "as long as there is space"! 

A danfo driver never bothers to look or think ahead,he gets out of a jam by just driving into any available space and even doing damages to other cars and he believes he's smarter than everyone else, I have often wondered why some ladies apply the danfo driver mentality to their relationships, they see trouble ahead but doggedly pursue the relationship into marriage," when we get there,we'll manage whatever problems arise" is their major word, Danfo girlfriend?! 

    Why fight to marry a man who's disdainful of you,someone who goes after your friends and colleagues? Why walk into a life-transforming unhappiness. You're complaining he dumped you, shouldn't you be thanking God?!!!!!!!

    Be happy and calm and let love find you. 

ABUSED

 It is a really dark place we are going today,I pray that you have enough strength to read through this letter,I want to talk about what you seem to avoid,what you never discuss, the place you avoid going,I want to discuss the pain from your sexual abuse as a child, you've been carrying the pain for too long, its standing in your way and blocking your path.


 You haven't been able to proceed in your relationships because any talk of intimacy has to negotiate with it,this is going to the root of intimacy, any kind of intimacy brings your mind to it, and this brings about litters of repressed and bitter memories and this has erected a wall of dam in your heart- the wall holding you back. It takes too much to maintain this wall-too much energy, too much pain,too much resentment, too much fear-its hauling a significant load of stress everyday!


  And this causes acne,sudden rashes,bitterness,unhappiness,withdrawals.......... When the load becomes unbearable, you actually snap at people,like a tensed up coil, you just unnecessarily  no human has the strength to carry this kind of strain,its too much. You'll keep breaking down if you don't resolve the bitterness and anger, don't let it destroy your future, I know you've tried to blank out the memory,yet it refuses to go away, you've sought to bury your consciousness of it but the grave is shallow,its lying just below the surface, stop turning yourself into an emotional graveyard, the whole thing.......the pain,the bitterness, is like a poison of the soul,like a bile, you shouldn't keep skeletons cause you already have a skeleton, and you've hardened yourself, you've become so hard on the inside , people say you're unforgiving,proud........... You've immersed yourself in work,academics because you think you can find peace in them. 


Why the bitterness,anger,frustration,rage,cynicism that make people run away from you and only few people who can cope with this your attitude are willing to be your friend but for how long........ And then you go to that dark place alone,a deep dark place filled with dark blue ink and drown yourself in your pain and frustration, though you seem intelligent,smart,independent to people but you're drowning and you really need a life raft, this is depression if I must be sincere with you, and you know one thing, the man who violated your trust and innocence, the one who gave you this stigma is not aware of your pain, you are in pain---lonesome bitter tears,only you cry inside,warm bitter tears,sometimes hot! I see the foamy layers of anger welled up inside you,overflowing its banks, I see the emotional turmoil.


      Not many people will understand why you remained single and not in a relationship despite your attractiveness and a good personality, they don't understand why you cut away people who get too close to you (suddenly and without mercy). You're afraid of intimacy, you need love and intimacy, but you are scared of letting your guard down. But if he stole your childhood, you shouldn't allow him steal your adulthood too!.

        I am writing this letter because I just need to discuss this with my pen and paper, there is a weight inside of me, a quiet pain that if you don't look close enough, you wouldn't notice it cause its been surronded by thick walls. But you need to admit that you need help so that you can get delivered, if you are going to have a happy marriage, you need to deal with the past, you need to break this loop, that young man who cares and loves you, why don't you give him a chance to deliver you of this,sometimes it takes a man in our life to help us walk away from the past, so dear,let's begin this journey

LOVE

There's a lot we need to learn about this thing called life, the philosophy of life we adopt determines the outcome of our lives, choose your philosophy wisely I'd say, the source of the philosophy of life we adopt must be proven, comprehensive in scope and robust, it cannot be limited or developed solely from our circumstances and experiences, that's the surest way to end up as prisoners of our circumstances and difficulties. 

A young lady asked me a question one day,she said"how can one say that love heals, she asked? Is it not the love that breaks hearts and leaves so much pain in its wake". Here's the problem, she has formulated a philosophy of life from a painful experience, this lady has taken a crude cleaver into the analysis of her life experiences instead of using a surgeons scalpel, she couldn't see that love didn't cause her pain,a boyfriend did! And obviously like all of us at one point or the other, does not understand what love is, and so you have a philosophy of life created on the wobbly scaffold of false premises. We must learn to avoid building our life philosophy from bad experiences, least a lonesome experience, we can't build a life philosophy from emotional reaction to experiences, it is yet another dangerous approach... 

Emotion is a thermometer and a medium of expression of feelings, we cannot confuse the thermometer with temperature and so far thermometer is not temperature, then emotion is not love,emotion is an expressor. Don't forget it can express anger too! By the same token, we cannot confuse sex with love even though we use both terms interchangeably. Sex is a physical progression of sensual and libidinous desire, it is not love , you can have sex without love,the obvious question is,WHAT IS LOVE? Is love the romance novel scenario of happily ever after? Is love the fast beating of the heart from excitement of meeting someone? Is it sex? Then WHAT IS LOVE? Love is not emotions though emotions has its value, I would never know how I feel about someone without emotions, its a translator of feelings, but feelings can be fleeting and deceitful, lust often parades itself as love.

The classic definition of love presumes a wholesomeness of relationship beyond lust and fickleness, it presents an ideal aspiration;it is a litmus test of the true state of our heart toward someone, it helps us determine if lust or true love is speaking, it helps us to know who truly loves and who is loving.

Love endures long and is patient and kind;love is never envious nor boils over with jealousy; love is not boastful or vainglorious; does not display itself haughtily; love is not conceited, arrogant or inflated with pride; it is not rude and does not act becomingly; love does not insist on its own right or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; love takes no account of the evil done to it;love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness; love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person; it hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything without weakening; love never fades out or becomes obsolete.

Look all around you and look at the most loving person you know,you'll see these verses in them. This is the prescription for enduring relationships, the key is humility and honesty