LOVE

There's a lot we need to learn about this thing called life, the philosophy of life we adopt determines the outcome of our lives, choose your philosophy wisely I'd say, the source of the philosophy of life we adopt must be proven, comprehensive in scope and robust, it cannot be limited or developed solely from our circumstances and experiences, that's the surest way to end up as prisoners of our circumstances and difficulties. 

A young lady asked me a question one day,she said"how can one say that love heals, she asked? Is it not the love that breaks hearts and leaves so much pain in its wake". Here's the problem, she has formulated a philosophy of life from a painful experience, this lady has taken a crude cleaver into the analysis of her life experiences instead of using a surgeons scalpel, she couldn't see that love didn't cause her pain,a boyfriend did! And obviously like all of us at one point or the other, does not understand what love is, and so you have a philosophy of life created on the wobbly scaffold of false premises. We must learn to avoid building our life philosophy from bad experiences, least a lonesome experience, we can't build a life philosophy from emotional reaction to experiences, it is yet another dangerous approach... 

Emotion is a thermometer and a medium of expression of feelings, we cannot confuse the thermometer with temperature and so far thermometer is not temperature, then emotion is not love,emotion is an expressor. Don't forget it can express anger too! By the same token, we cannot confuse sex with love even though we use both terms interchangeably. Sex is a physical progression of sensual and libidinous desire, it is not love , you can have sex without love,the obvious question is,WHAT IS LOVE? Is love the romance novel scenario of happily ever after? Is love the fast beating of the heart from excitement of meeting someone? Is it sex? Then WHAT IS LOVE? Love is not emotions though emotions has its value, I would never know how I feel about someone without emotions, its a translator of feelings, but feelings can be fleeting and deceitful, lust often parades itself as love.

The classic definition of love presumes a wholesomeness of relationship beyond lust and fickleness, it presents an ideal aspiration;it is a litmus test of the true state of our heart toward someone, it helps us determine if lust or true love is speaking, it helps us to know who truly loves and who is loving.

Love endures long and is patient and kind;love is never envious nor boils over with jealousy; love is not boastful or vainglorious; does not display itself haughtily; love is not conceited, arrogant or inflated with pride; it is not rude and does not act becomingly; love does not insist on its own right or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; love takes no account of the evil done to it;love does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness; love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person; it hopes are fadeless under all circumstances and it endures everything without weakening; love never fades out or becomes obsolete.

Look all around you and look at the most loving person you know,you'll see these verses in them. This is the prescription for enduring relationships, the key is humility and honesty

WHISPERS

  I met an extraordinary man named Richard last week online, and this man is really old, he's like any ordinary man who bathe, dress like every other person, Richard had a wonderful marriage, his wife was beautiful, tender-hearted, loving, kind devoted. To be honest, she was too beautiful for him, and those who met them could not believe Richard had such a prize, but she saw in Richard the things that matter, she saw his self effacement, nobility, constancy and character, and those are the items that made her say yes to this clumsy man.


Richard was a scientist and his line of work requires constancy, as scientist you should know what I mean by now. Everything was going on well for Richard and his wife and kids until one day when Richard's wife was diagnosed with cancer, Richard didn't just sit home and worry over his wife's condition, he went into the lab and began to look for a cure for breast cancer and he began experimenting on mice. He radically aged mice and programmed them to die within 21 days and one day, he injected a group of these mice with stem cells four days before the end of their life span,  after injecting them with things to prolong their life span and these mice miraculously lived 72 days.


He was so happy because he had a gate-way to prolong his wife's life and he also knew it would take years before government would approve an experiment on humans! But he couldn't wait and you know its not uncommon for scientist to try something on themselves. Richard injected himself with this substance, do you know what happened? The young cells in his body overthrew the older cells, and he started feeling discomfort but he couldn't tell anyone not even his wife. And so Richard kept this secret to himself. And as days goes by, Richard refuse to age but unfortunately his wife died, he waxed stronger and his memory was so sharp but he didn't age, and soon he outlived all his children and his grandchildren and he became a sage and a man who knows it all.


When we discussed some marriage tips, he told me this;
« What we are in the habit of doing, we often carry into marriage
« Unchecked,bad habits are potential destroyers of matrimony
« Make your spouse trust you and keep that trust.
« Have a bond so strong that death will even struggle to break it
« Couples should understand and communicate with one another and the both of you should WANT the relationship
« Be best of friends and accept each other's inadequacies and imperfections
« You both should have friendship,commitment,love,fidelity,acceptance,understanding,appreciation and celebration
      I wonder about a lot of things and I hope you wonder too: "WHAT WILL MY PARTNER REMEMBER IF I LEAVE OR IF SOMETHING DRIVES US APART"

LETTER TO THE LADIES

Dear lady,let me pretend this day that I know where you're at. That I know your pain,too many people theorize prescriptions about getting over hurt and pain, they've never been hurt in a relationship, I pretend because no one can ever feel what you feel, no one can know the hurt, such pain is individualized, I do understand how holding on to pain can seem natural. The pain actually keeps coming back at you, on its own. Meeting someone who asks about your Ex can trigger memories, and some mean people will deliberately ask, they just want the delight of having you confirm what they already know. Its their one-upmanship,have you ever heard of schandenfreude? Its a german word for delight in the misfortune of others, some people will deliberately ask about your Ex years after you've moved on, and they know you've moved on. These are biological competitors. They're in competition with you, though you don't even know!



You realize it on reflection. They're happy that at least one "something bad" happened to you!
(Forgive my english). Part of your pain is being the subject of gossip among such people, the truth is,some people will blame you for the breakup even though they don't know the facts. Don't even bother to defend yourself the them, if they blamed you before knowing the facts,what's the point?
They are not interested in the truth, you can't convince them,then stop argy-bargying your soul. If a man makes up his mind against you outside of knowledge of facts you're dealing with prejudicial bias.



Dear,you're dealing with too many pains, there's the pain of breakup itself,then,the pain of the way you were treated ,there's the pain of emotional investment in an unfruitful life venture, then the pain of what people are saying-hurtful things. Even your so-called friends joined the fray! Then you have the pain of the untruths your Ex is encouraging, and his deviant constructive omission of facts, he wants you to come out looking bad even though he instigated the breakup, then there's the pain of the ignorant presuming to lecture you and your smiling forbearance of such didactic presumptuousness, that's a lot of pain and hurt to deal with lady! Even though you now have a fantastic,kind and loving man in your life, you have fears, this despite the fact there's almost zero probability he'll never hurt you, he loves you so!




I know its not him you are afraid of, its the 'zone'- that place where you're unprotected, where you were hurt, its the place you gave your innocent self-the place of pain, painful pain. You went into a relationship not even aware of the possibility of hurt, you never knew hurt exists-that place. Those who've never been there don't know why the heart winces at the thought of stepping foot there again, the heart winces because the hurt is so deep, and the exposure long. The pain is residual so I understand if you're afraid of wholly committing yourself to a new relationship, it's not that you don't want to,fear just holds you back, inside.


You don't want to go that place of vulnerability again, you must however find a way to let go; to love without reservation again, you NEED the fullness of love , you won't get there unless you forgive, you must stop plotting emotional vengeance , you need to leave the past behind. When we start creating scenarios in our head about having an opportunity to repay those who hurt us.

When we strategies on how to repay those who hurt us in higher denominations and stronger currency.when we visualize a place of power-to be in a superior position to do hurt to the hurtful.........when we mentally plan that moment where we can look at those who hurts us with a knowing and a glee...........when we imagine our"its my turn now!" Moment........... We are in the realm of emotional vengeance.

You need to let go, remove your clutching fingers from the fabric of the past,its passed! You have to move on! See,more people are still going to hurt you in life,its the nature of this zoological community we call life. People are going to say nasty things about you- people you know and people you don't know, if you're going to succeed in life you better get ready for slander of total strangers! If you don't let go of this you'll become vindictive and forgiving. You'll become ultra-sensitive and touchy. Then you do real damage to yourself, its difficult to have a relationship with a touchy person. A touchy person puts up defenses where there's no attack, corrections are read as "attack". If you don't let go you can't develop healthy trust in people, you'll be distrustful, yet expect trust from others ,without trust you'll become controlling and that will strangulate your relationship.

 Your tone with your boyfriend will become instructive, commanding and rude you'll become dissociate and start projecting yourself. No one can reach "you". In order to protect yourself you'll block people out,setting up invisible psychological barriers thick as a wall. Then self-righteousness sets in,after all you're just protecting yourself from potential hurt. Pride instinctively follows because you're not allowing anyone near you. Who can question the wisdom of your course? In this condition you will become emotionally unattractive and you will discount your great qualities when pain processes us and drops us on the dung hill of life. Love picks us up and we emerge in another dimension.

 Let love heal you,love heals. Life is not a straight line,a continuation from pain to happiness. Experience exist in different spheres,you have a new opportunity to know happiness. If you don't let go of the past,the future will not come. I'll like to ask you a question: IS YOUR EX REALLY WORTH YOUR FUTURE?

LETTER TO THE MEN

Dear man,you are beginning to think about marriage, its nice to prepare mentally though I must warn you that no matter the preparation,it still has its own surprises. Marriage comes pre-loaded with responsibility for a man, you're going to be responsible for a full grown adult. A man must not only be able to meet his own needs, he must be able to meet the needs of his marriage as well, and you want your wife to respect you,not just love you. Respectability has dimensions,you want your wife to respect your sense of responsibility,your wisdom,your maturity,you want her to admire your approach to issues, your striving and aspirations,your worthiness in the society of men. Marriage is not for boys,it is for men.



A man auto-assumes certain responsibilities in marriage,like rent and feeding,if you don't pay rent or put down "housekeeping" money how are you going to gain respect?  And when the kids come I expect you"ll pick up the tabs for school fees and children's upkeep too!. When you don't take up these basic responsibilities the woman is forced to step up to the plate and she becomes boss lady. I'm not saying a woman shouldn't contribute in a marriage, a wise woman would contribute to the success of her marriage and her husband but we must not confuse contribution with responsibility.



You have fundamental responsibility for certain headers, when you work hard to meet those obligations, your woman will respect you and your sense of responsibility, responsibility defines a man. It may not be easy at first,it isn't always easy,its why you need to work hard, you start somewhere and demonstrate where you're going, be focused, you have someone to impress remember!!!!



A woman might struggle with you and be there through the hard times but let me tell you the truth, it is just for sometime because all women appreciate comfort, you'll need to work hard, a young man must be hardworking, most men says" work smart and not hard" but what they don't know is that hard work brings success not smart work so work hard and not smart. I also want you to know that you are not going to get any award from any woman for working hard or just because you paid rent or put food on the table, You'll need to layer something on top if you want extra love and that's being real!!!.

Learn to spray your woman with gifts no matter how small,just start small and grow it so that when times are rough and let me assure you tough times will surely come, your wife will remember that you are a generous man that if you don't give its because you can't! And then she will pray for things to normalize because you are a generous man. But you'll discover as times goes by that being a man is not enough, you want to be THE MAN!

You want your wife to confidently say in the company of women that "don't worry,my husband will take care of it", you want her to have the assurance that no matter what she faces out there,when she gets home she can pour it out to you...... Your wife must be able to look up to you emotionally, this. Is very important. And now to the elusive feature on the wife choosing list.

When I ask young men what they really want in a marriage......... No one ever mentions PEACE and the best thing you can have in a marriage is PEACE, you can't have a HOME without PEACE but you can have a house or an apartment. You must understand the value of peace in the home. Many men work late and overtime at work because they are avoiding going home, she may be beautiful,homely, has a good character but if she can't give you peace then the others are very useless, because there is no use for all the achievements, fame and money if there's no peace at home. Lack of peace will turn your health and life into a misery.

You ought to want to go home at the end of each blessed day to see your wife! In essence strive to be responsible and strive to have a wholesome and loving relationship and I wish you the best in your search for that special partner!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW TO CHOOSE A MARRIAGE PARTNER

You want to know what you should take into consideration in choosing a marriage partner,then,I will teach you how to buy a computer and how to use it.

  A computer is made up of parts, isn't it? There's hardware,operating system, there are the applications. Only a fool buys a computer based on just the casing,what's inside is the computer matters. Casing makes the computer attractive and they come in different forms,some are slim.some are bulky,some are black while some are brown it all depends on your taste.

On this same computer are applications like word and excel,in human terms,this applications will be things like cooking and being homely e.t.c they are just applications now you know that these applications cannot run without an operating system, the operating system of a computer has been  there from the start when it was built, it was along the line that applications can be installed on the computer base on choice and you know that these applications cannot run without an operating system, don't you?

  Operating system is the key,if I were you,I will pay attention to the operating system of a computer
and in human terms this operating system will be the philosophy of life, values, beliefs, faith, exposure, education because they determine character,attitude and behaviour.

An application may be wonderful but if the operating system is full of bugs the application will
malfunction. If a problem is coming from the operating system it will be obvious because its the root.
Imagine a beautiful laptop with a messed up operating system,that's like a beautiful woman with a
bad character isn't it?  But do you know that an operating system is also useless without applications, what's the use of MAC OS without word or excel or even office? The philosophy, beliefs and values of a potential partner are very critical. We are all stuffed with different files: knowledge, virtue, goodness..  But some people are stored with pain and bitterness. Theses are large files either and they corrupt other files, they are full of bugs, well known viruses! Be careful!

 Now about the computer screen,what is projected on the screen is usually sales pitch,animation and stuffs, they are just promotional stuff,they are mostly fake, don't just buy a computer on the
recommendation of someone, the computer is going home with you not him! Run your checks, do due
diligence, ask questions and don't ignore warnings when buying a computer. But you know you must love your computer to care for it very well, hmmmmm....love. Love is important . This is just few tips on how to buy a computer and how to choose a marriage partner!

Make it a date with me for more relationship issues.

Thanks.

GRAY AREAS IN RELATIONSHIPS

                       GRAY AREAS IN RELATIONSHIPS

Have you ever been stuck in the gray area in your relationship? You know,when you have a huge disagreement and you both never came to a compromise. The problem was never solved and you ended the discussion without knowing what's going to happen next,he goes home and you didn't stop him. Days goes by, and you refuse to call him because you are sick and tired of being the one to make the first move. He doesn't call too because he felt you over-reacted and his ego won't allow him to apologize.

  This can go on for days and sometimes weeks, you go about your days wondering where you stand with him and if this is a break-up or not. This leads to assumptions on both ends. He wonders if you are seeing someone else,while you are having the same thoughts, however instead of addressing the issues,you both just remain in the gray area.

  This is a dangerous area to be in a relationship. Because it gives rooms for assumptions that can lead to worse problems. There is no communication and without this, how will you know what your mate is feeling? There is no possible way.

  Relationships should be kept in black and white at all times, always keep the lines of communication open where you can feel free and safe to express yourself. Its important that you don't allow your partner to assume what's going on in your head, because chances are this will not work in your favour, never go to bed with unresolved issues. They will not go away just because you both choose to have sex and ignore them. This is what happens,I know because I have been guilty of this before, address your problems in an appropriate manner so you can come to a mutual understanding and compromise.

    Know where you both stand with eachother,afterall the relationship is about the both of you ,right? It doesn't affect just one person.its OK to give your mate space, however, you must establish what it is. Space doesn't mean freewill to see other people.this is not an avenue to sleep around. Its time to think things through on your own. This is normally just for a few days or weeks. Nonetheless,this is something both parties must agree upon and should only be done with the intentions to make the relationship stronger.as long as you keep this in mind, you will always avoid being in the gray area.

    Sometimes its hard to submit. You want to always be right and have the last word. In times like this, you find it impossible to compromise because you feel as though you are given in.when you are faced with this kind of situation, instead of just dropping the issue unresolved, agree to disagree. Then at a more appropriate time , you can bring the issue up again, you will find that you can come to a better understanding without all the pressure.

  Relationships are healthier when it is in black and white. You will always know where you stand and where you are headed with your mate, its either good or bad,happy or sad, but never in-between.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICES FOR HIM AND HER

FOR HIM

  To get a wife,you must get a life,true love doesn't pay bills while your bright future won't pay for electricity and gas, there's a limit to how much a woman can endure pain all in the name of love. You don't need a lot of money to be with a woman who is truthfully and faithfully in love but when a man is not responsible most women will remove respect from love and the man becomes ordinary with no regards. No matter how much money or luxury you give to a woman:
» If she has to fight for attention,its never enough
» Every woman wants happiness but what makes them happy is different
» To know what makes her happy,try and know what makes her sad
» If you are not ready to give your best don't try the rest, because every woman in the world wants the best.
» Be true to yourself when looking for a wife
» Any relationship you start with a lie will always end you up in shame
» Never promise a woman what you can't give to her
» If you don't wanna marry her,don't put her life on hold
» Don't make her see you like her while deep inside you she's nothing to you
» There's no way you waste another person's life without your life been put on hold
» Love is not what you impose on people,never force a woman to love you
» If a woman loves you, the whole world can't condemn you for her and if she doesn't love you, the whole world can't convince her for you
»If she misses you,she will call you. If she wants you,she will say it. If she cares about you,she will show it. If she loves you,everybody will see it.
» If you are too possessive,she will runaway
» If you lack confidence,she will feel unsafe
» If she confides in you,she trusts you
»If you talk to much,she will feel you are loose
» If she can't stand you,her reactions will tell
» If you are not sensitive to her needs ,she will think you are not into her
» If she's done with you,nothing can make her stay
» If you don't propose after many years, your time is up
» What she wants from you will determine what she will give to you
» Do not be fooled by physical appearance,treat a woman the way she has never been treated in her life and nothing will make her leave you and if she mistakenly does, she will regret loosing a good man like you
»No woman wants to share her man with someone else
» If you can't be faithful to her,then don't waste her time

FOR HER
» To get a dream man, you must be a dream woman
»There's no such thing like a perfect human being,to be waiting for a perfect partner is to wait for life
» Be very mindful of your age when making plans
» Raise your standards and not your expectations, your standards is your good personality which attracts good men while your expectations is your high expectations which attracts fake men.
» If your expectations are too high, no man will be good enough, when no man is good enough, you end up waiting for long, and when you are tired of waiting , you may end up settling for less
» In a relationship, all men falls into four categories, A boy, a player, a confused man and a real man
» What you are looking for will determine what you get if you are being honest and truthful to yourself
» To know if he's for real,play the time game, if he gets you easily, he will leave quietly, if you are easy to get, you will be easier to forget
» Be flexible but be very sensible
» Avoid too much drama if you want a man, no man wants a shameless woman
» You can ask for a man's attention but never demand for his love
» You can never keep what you don't have
» If he shows you off to everyone at anywhere, he's still in love
» If he hasn't propose,he's doing research
» If he complains about your past, he's not ready for you
» If you make the first move,he will think you are desperate and cheap
» If you are afraid of him,you can never be free with him and if you are not free,it will be hard to get along.
» If he beats you once,he will beat you again
» If he doesn't propose after 5years,he may never propose for life.
» There's no point in good looks with a horrible heart
» Where a man's going is far better than where he stands in life.
» Age has nothing to do with maturity
» Growing old and growing up is never the same thing
» If he's not meant for you,he can never be for you
» Give him space and never choke him
» No man wants liability
» Marriage doesn't mean your life has to stop
» When you rely on a man for everything,be ready to accept anything he throws at you.