SILENT HELL

Dear Jack, what I'm  trying so hard to help you
avoid is the 20year Mistake. You see, there
are some relationship mistakes we make in life that
take twenty years to get out of. I know it sounds
incredible but it's  the truth. There are many â
20yr veterans all over life. You're just not
aware. A typical mistake that can cost you 20yrs of
your life is impregnating someone you don't love
who becomes mother of your child. You can't wish
the child away. It matters little whether you marry her
or not. Opportunistic sex has consequences, and once
a child is produced you step into unplanned history.
That woman will be in your life for the duration of the
life of that child, meaning till you die, other things
being equal. No young man plans for that. It was
opportunistic sex, remember! Just lust finding a
partner. But life insists if you go that way, it means
you planned for the consequences. You can't
complain. You have to adjust your life accordingly for
having a child out of wedlock.
And it's not just opportunistic sex that can produce
the 20yr problem. Marrying someone you
shouldn't does the same. The warning signs are
always there. Better to have a broken engagement
than to have a broken marriage. If your girlfriend is a
serial cheat for example, you can't complain of
unfaithfulness in marriage if you go ahead with it. The
signs were there, but you chose to ignore the facts.
She already showed you she wasn't going to be
faithful. What usually happens is that some people
take on the mantle of messiah, seeking to accept
their girlfriends. And they seek to prove their
goodness by insisting on pursuing marriage to
someone who'll bring them sorrow. These are
insistent do-gooders who want the praise of the world
for marrying the wrong woman. There's some
psychological reward they get for insisting on going
into marriage with someone with questionable
tendencies. Having been rewarded for bad behavior,
the woman of course continues with those morals and
they begin to suffer. Having forgiven so much, they
then get annoyed at discovery of one more instance
of cheating after marriage. They become mean to the
woman, terribly mean. Their character changes. They're angry. The reason they're angry is because
they feel they should be rewarded with fidelity for
enduring so much. They feel the woman should
reward them for overlooking the past and ignoring the
facts of infidelity during courtship. That kind of
marriage is essentially over. The condition precedent
needed to make it successful is out of the man's
control. The marriage can only work if the woman
reforms, and the man can't control that factor. It's up to the woman.
When the success of a marriage is dependent on
reformation of a partner's character that's a
difficult one. Why marry a thief hoping for reformation
of character? What if he refuses to reform? What
becomes of the marriage? The normal challenges of a
young marriage are thus compounded and burdened
with major character issues. How does a young man
cope in a marriage with such reformational character
challenge? It's tough. Always deal with facts in
your relationship, not wishful thinking. If your girlfriend
is a thief, you're dating a thief not someone who can change. If you want to marry a non-thief,
date a non-thief. Why go for a thief you hope will
become a non-thief? It's like all those guys who
want to marry a civil servant but then go for a
businesswoman hoping to convert her. Why?! A lot of
people make this mistake. They don't  deal with the
facts in front of them, they don't acknowledge the
facts. If a woman dates a man without drive for
instance, she has to accept the high possibility of an
unmotivated husband. Going into marriage with such a
person with a view to changing him is rather
presumptuous! If you can't accept the man or
woman in front of you don't go into the marriage.
Deal with facts. If you date a lazy person you have to
accept the very high probability you'll have a lazy
spouse if you marry. Ditto if you date the unhygienic,
someone with similar standards of hygiene as that
improbably named character from Asterix. Does that
mean we're saying people can't change? Of
course not. There's always the possibility of
redemption. But when you approach marriage you
must take a pragmatic view. You deal with the facts
in front of you. just saying that simple mistake
as per marital choice can cost you 20yrs of your life.
But the time you finally come out of it, you'll be
shocked twenty years have gone. And then you're
going to have years you can't account for as
years in depression, years in battle. The depression
and those battles are huge distractions. They divert
your energy.
Marry right. If you choose to marry someone you don't love or who doesn't love you, you married a
stranger essentially. Without love couples are
emotional strangers in cohabitation. The lack of love
and affection will of course produce indifference,
which then produces emotional torture. That
emotional indifference can easily lead to adultery and
hatred. Then the home becomes hell. And couples
don't have to have a shouting match before a
marriage becomes hell. There are silent hells. When
your spouse quietly tolerates you, you know you're
in a silent hell. When your spouse makes no complaint
but won't touch you, you know you're in silent
hell. When you and your spouse don't quarrel but
your marriage is essentially functional, you're in
silent hell. When the state of the marriage makes
even the food stale and you have to swallow it, you're in silent hell. And when you can't solve a
marriage problem however you wish or try, you're
in silent hell. When to all appearances you're a wonderful couple but can't stand each other
you're in silent hell. A good marriage is heaven. A
bad marriage is hell. It's that simple. Why risk
putting yourself in jail for twenty years. If it's
obvious it can't work let it be. I want it to
work is sometimes an expression of foolishness.
Don't put yourself in silent hell. That's not an
accommodation you should go for.

BE THE BEST MAN YOU CAN BE

My dear Jack, let me teach you two laws to be cognizant of in this
relationship. The two laws seem obvious, sound almost stupid. Yet
they’re so potent and powerful. Sometimes, laws and principles seem so
obvious. Take gravity for example. It seems so obvious. And yet that
law determines a whole lot of things. You couldn’t fly without taking
cognizance of gravity. The things that are obvious in life are
sometimes so consequential, sometimes so potent. I came upon these two
laws of relationship as I meditated on my bed very early one morning
and I thought to share with you.

As a man, your emotional pool is pretty shallow. Women have a deeper
emotional pool. That lack of emotional depth manifests in men not
crying over many things, being rational, not being emotional. And
society conditions men not to express emotions, not to cry. Men don’t
cry is a rite of passage mantra. These invariably play out in a
relationship. And so you can’t understand a woman’s emotions, not
without effort. Think of it like a swimming pool. She’s at the deep
end of the pool, you’re at the shallow end. Even though both of you
are in the pool, yet your experiences and fears differ. At your
shallow end, there’s not much threat you’re facing. But at her deep
end, the potential for catastrophe is greater. She can be drowned in
the pool of emotions because she’s at the deep end. You’re not.

And so what she guards against will be more significant than what you
do. To the woman, the man will come across as insensitive. That’s
because he’s a native of the shallow end of the emotional pool. And to
the man, the woman will come across as too emotional because she’s at
the deep end of the emotional pool. These emotional perspectives have
to be managed in a relationship. It means as a man, there are some
things you won’t “get”, not unless you make a try. And the woman won’t
get why you seem so “cold” and rational because she dwells at the deep
end of emotional pool. Thus women tend to be more empathetic because
of their emotional habitat.

In a sense, the difference in perspective is not the fault of either
sexes, but the burden is on you as a man. The Peterist principle is
that you should relate to your wife/girlfriend from a knowledge
perspective. If you don’t understand her emotional range, you’re going
to run into trouble in your relationship. You’ll come across as
unfeeling if you don’t try and understand where she’s coming from
emotionally. There’s thus a sensitivity issue men naturally have in a
relationship because of their makeup. The two laws I’m talking about
will help you process her emotionalism RATIONALLY, so you have less
trouble.

Here’s the first law of emotional range: Whatever makes her happy she
takes seriously. Yeah, I know that sounds stupid but like we said,
stupid sounding principles are very potent stuff. Let me elaborate and
give you understanding of this “stupid” principle. If she spends hours
on end putting together what she’ll wear during the week, it means
fashion means a lot to her. And so she’ll spend many hours in her
closet matching shoes, bags and accessories with apparel. Her plan for
the week. Not all women are like this. But there are those these
things mean a lot to. There’s so much detailing and particularization,
and so much effort and intelligence involved. There’s consideration of
shades of colour. That’s how you get to know there are 256 shades of
red. Even the emotional quality of leath

LAWS OF EMOTIONS

My dear Jack, I’m sending you the mail I sent to Jil on your behalf.
And I attached the mail I sent to you. You will see I’m blunt in my
assessment, but this is your best shot:“My dear Jil, sometimes we do
stupid and we don’t know why. Men can be that way. Yet stupid has
consequences. Your boyfriend did stupid. All I’m asking is that you
give the young man an opportunity to redeem himself. It’s your
decision what you do after, but at least give him a chance to prove
his love to you.

I have remonstrated him as you can imagine. Though he didn’t tell me
exactly what happened, I surmised a few things. He wrote me this
moving letter, telling of his undying love for you. He does think the
world of you. I will send you the letter. He’s been crying, full of
regrets. He can’t live his character down. He’s not been able to
forgive himself. He can’t imagine a future without you. I sent him
this follow up mail. Thought you should read it:

“My dear Jack, I want you to be the best man you can be. If God gives
you a wonderful woman you should value her dearly. You need that
wonderful woman beside you. Life is easier when someone shares the
journey with us. I say be the best man you can be. If God gives you an
understanding woman, be grateful. The best way to show appreciation to
Omnipotence is by treating her right.

We all need a kind and gracious partner in this journey called life –
one who genuinely cares. When you meet such a woman, the woman of your
dreams – when you have found her, stop looking. If you begin to search
for what you already have what you’re looking for is a substitutionary
fake. You’re not looking for a generic woman, are you? What you want
is the woman who is just right for you. And when you meet her treasure
her, love her with all you’ve got. A good woman should not be lost.

If you do lose a good woman, go and beg her; woo her back, before
another comes to take your place. Make sure you’re a good man to your
wife and a good father to your kids. Be the best man you can be. Life
will place temptations in your way and make demands of you. But be the
best man you can be. Resist temptation. We are at our best when we’re
full of nobility and virtue, when we pursue groundedness. Pursue
groundedness, not the fad of the moment. Fads come and go but nobility
and virtue abide.

As you go on and grow in life, you will discover you have certain
emotional needs only a loving woman can meet. If you meet that one
woman who understands and loves you, do your best to keep her. Don’t
let her walk away. If you mistreat her, you force life to give her the
option of moving on. Someone who can see what you can’t see may snatch
her. And you will be left alone to contemplate what might have been.

Jack, happiness is important in life, but not every woman can give you
happiness. If you meet that one woman who makes you happy, whose love
you can trust, work hard to keep her. If you meet that one woman who
gives you so much peace, so much joy and believes in you, work hard to
keep her.

To be the best man you can be, you will need discipline. Don’t go
window-shopping for temptations. Discipline presupposes choice. It
presupposes tempting options. Stay the course, with resolve. Remember,
we are what we do, not what we say. And when you do find that one
woman you can give your heart to, remember, she’s a custodian of your
health and joy.

Go for substance, not just form. If you get carried away with form you
may miss substance. Be the best man you can be. Be responsible. Be
serious-minded, be focused, be determined.

Learn to appreciate worth and value. Pray you know when you meet a
valuable woman. Be the best man you can be. Don’t make your woman
unhappy, make her glad. If you do find that woman whose love nurtures
your soul, keep her, cherish her. If you do meet that woman whose
heart is a gift that keeps on giving, what a lucky man you are!

Life is full of difficulties. The love of that one woman is your
comfort, the ameliorator of the many challenges of life. Be the best
man you can be. If you have that one woman in your world, don’t go on
space exploration! Try and be the best man you can be. That much you
owe yourself, not just her. If you lose her, it takes so much more to
woo her back. So don’t lose her. If you lose her who is your world, go
and woo her back. Or there will be a hole in your heart. If you divine
your future and it looks incomplete without her, by all means, woo her
back.

I am talking about that woman you want, the one you can’t do without,
the one you want by you, always, the best friend you have. God’s
ultimate gift to you, your gift of love and life; the one who just
gets you, understands you, covers your shame. Your jewel of
compassion. If after a rational examination of your life you can’t
imagine any other woman, don’t you dare lose her.

Our lives are defined by who we marry, who we love. They become
creators of us. Love becomes you. You are who you are because of the
one you love. Do not lose her. If you lose her, you lose yourself.
Character is a component of love. It is what builds trust. Try to be
the best man you can be. If she loves you to Mars and back, take her
on a love adventure to Pluto and back. That is fair. Be the best man
you can be, I say!”

CAN YOU MARRY ANYBODY

Look, you're only dating this babe because she's what's available not what you really want. It's like going to all those secondary school dance events in those days and all the girls have been taken, except this one girl. Well, that's the only choice you have so you strike up a conversation. But you soon become Shackled to her when your  friends begin  to talk about you and her, ribbing you. And that's how you find yourself in a relationship you never really wanted,you're lonely, she's lonely, she's available, other things being equal,you wouldn't date her, but you're lonely, she's lonely, hence relationship.
        But there's danger to such matches, you see, when you marry each other,the alonement that motivated the marriage will evaporate, the basis of the relationship is thus gone, so you  are left to build up the  relationship with what is not there, it's  like building a castle on air, you can  only  do it with  your  imagination, that's when  everything begins to irritate you, you  can't  stand  her, little things ignite your anger, all those flaws you  overlooked with the need to satisfy your  loneliness will  now be obvious, her nature, her pimples, her background, her stature. It's  going to be a hard and sad marriage, you're going  to  drift  apart, there's  nothing left, no glue.
      Culture matters in relationship, if you're exposed and she's  not, it will  show up and i don't  get  this thing about people saying 'you can Marry anybody'. Says who?  There are strange philosophies perpetuated by religious people, I  sometimes worry  about some teachings religious people give about relationship, it's  quite troubling, in trying  to be spiritual some people have become quite non-human.
       Love matters in relationship, Attraction matters too, if you don't love her, leave her alone, if you're  not attracted to her, let her be, you're  a man, you're  visual  unless you are a Spirit though. You're  going to be affected by what you see. Every man's emotional, that's why you are attracted to certain Types and different types.
          Never use the wrong criteria for  marriage, that she's  a faithful usher doesn't make her a faithful wife, being a faithful usher is a criterion for being  promoted to head usher not for marriage.
        Don't  regret later in life when your mid-life crisis sets in why you didn't marry that outspoken wild girl and you went for a more subtle, quiet woman because you think she will make a better wife. Don't let religion mes up your  brain. In marriage affection, attraction, physical attributes and character matters,  now the question is this, CAN YOU MARRY  YOU?

50 SHADES OF LUST

 
My Dear, seems your boyfriend is into kinky sex; he's you know 50 Shades of Grey. The demands he's making on you seems to point in that direction. He has a fetishism for hair and smell, that's why he's making those demands. He gets offended if you shave any part of you, you say and when you're together he likes to smell "you".

He's actually getting high on pheromones. When he's high he gets sexually aggressive.  It's why on those three occasions he couldn't stop himself from trying to violate your agreement on no premarital sex. Though he says he knows what he's doing I'm not really sure he's in a position to make that judgment. Your relationship is hardly months old yet it's so sexually charged I doubt if you'll be able to keep that vow. Being real.

You say he wants you to send him constant pictures of yourself. The incessancy of the demand is what's troubling. Young men in love sometimes demand for real time picture feeds but I’m not sure this is so much about love. The picture demands might get more explicit and soon there may be progression to trophies. He may soon start to demand the mailing of certain items of clothing too indecorous for my mention. You're lucky though that you're in different parts of town. But aren't you running a huge risk each time you meet? Going by the contents of your letter this guy may rape you some day. He's constantly high on pheromones. In the world he inhabits your objections and protestations may actually be read as relish. Paul recommends marriage if you can't handle sexual pressure in a relationship. He called sexual pressure "burning", as in burning with lust. If you can't control yourself marry he says.

Told you God is interested in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, didn't I! We're the religious ones. God is not religious. He's not too "holy" to discuss intimate details of our existence! Unfortunately you're still in school. Your parents won't consent to marriage at this stage of your life. Even if, you hardly know this guy (obviously). Your relationship is inchoate, incipient. You can't and shouldn't marry someone you hardly know. Your relationship is just a couple of months old. You can't even be talking of marriage. Clearly you're not of kinky sexual persuasion. It's why you're having internal conflicts. You're not exposed in that direction and you're having trouble reconciling yourself to his increasingly weird demands.

He's also mandated you to stay slim, not to put on any weight. In future how's he going to deal with pregnancy? The only reason you're hanging on to this guy is because he's the only one who's paid you any attention in a long time. That's why you're yielding to demands you're not comfortable with. You're afraid of losing him. I understand. It's a typical dilemma and it's faced by many girls. The fear of losing a relationship sometimes makes us accommodating and amenable to unusual demands. Your boyfriend knows you weren't getting that much attention before he came along and he's exploiting it. Despite his promises to you he's going to keep chipping away at your resistance until you succumb.

Don't believe what a man says with his mouth if his actions say otherwise. Funnily enough your lack of exposure to his world is a turn on for him. He likes the fact he's breaking you in. The bigger issue though is the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. I don't know how you're ever going to be able to satisfy this man carnally in marriage. He's at one extreme- extreme left. You're right of right. Many times people don't pay attention to the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. That creates tension later. If you don't have the same taste in sex and don't share proclivity how's it going to work? He's going to be frustrated. He's going to make demands you're going to say no to, or acquiesce to with reluctance. That won't satisfy him psychologically. It sometimes amazes me that dating couples don't take time to discuss sexual compatibility yet they discuss children! Marriages have been known to break down from the frustration of sexual incompatibility. And how does a man with a liberal disposition towards sex want to marry an ultra conservative woman? The cracks will show up in time and widen with time. Sexual frustration in marriage is a big issue!

If you want to marry someone you want to discuss all subjects- money, babies, careers, beauty, fashion, extended family... If he has religious reservation on a mode of dressing that's not just about clothes. It's a life philosophy issue. It's going to spread beyond ear rings and clothes...to kids' education, your career, social circles, TV programs... Find out what he wants. Some people want joint account for example, some don't want it. Don't be too shy to discuss salient issues like sex. Aren't you going to be naked with him after marriage? You may not agree on everything but at least put issues on the table. That's how you craft a compromise.

 If you don't want surprises and unhappiness in marriage you better start broaching certain subjects now. What are his views about family coming to live with you after marriage for example? What is his philosophy of finance? What are his views on the financial role of a wife, about women earnings? What about his views on conflict resolution when there's a disagreement? Is the resolution mechanism the extended family? You've got to have his views on his beloved mama! Does he believe she has an executive role in your marriage? His sisters? You've got to have an idea of his ideas about sex. You're going to have sexual congress in marriage. Young men have fantasies.

A young man who wants to date you and tells you he believes in one night stands is telling you something bigger than obvious. A young man who wants to date you as a divorcee but let it slip he can't take a divorcee home to mama is saying something. As well as a young man who doesn't believe in going to church is saying something to you. You better listen. Better to accept people for what they are than to seek to change them. What if they don't change after marriage? Don't fall for the myth of you as saviour and converter of souls. The title is already taken.

I say discuss everything... And I mean everything...if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Certain discussions are too late after the marriage ceremony. Some things should be said before saying "I do"

MOTHER IN LAW

To be honest with you, there are 3 types of mothers-in-law. You have the good, the insouciant and the... what has now come to be known as the erm... monster-in-law. May you be so fortunate to have a loving and kind mother-in-law.

It's unfortunate that the term mother-in-law has almost become synonymous with tyranny and colonial authority. Yet some mothers-in-law are so wonderful they are a factor in the love the woman has for their son. Same holds for the men. The truth is some men married their wives for the love of their mother-in-law. But some mothers-in-law are so oppressive their son's marriage is only holding because of the special grace of God!

There's the case of the mother-in-law who landed a vulgar slap on the face of her daughter-in-law, right in front of her son! She left an indelible memory of unprovoked aggression on the face of her daughter-in-law turning it into plasticine. The truth is, only the son can protect his wife from his mother. If he won't, you're in a difficult position. Unfortunately, not many sons can confront bad behaviour in their mum. There's that inexplicable mother-son inhibition. May have something to do with feeling guilty for all the milk taken in infancy. The milk for some mothers was given on credit. In reality, there are very few people with the emotional energy to confront a mother-in-law who's a monster-in-law.

As a daughter-in-law you'll come off in very bad light being confrontational with your mum-in-law. If you're African, there are cultural refrainments and considerations. And culture can be powerful. I suggest you and your husband have a constitutional conference, if you're in this predicament. Why are some mothers-in-law this way? Why are they local government terrors? Has nothing to do with you really. Unless of course you did something untoward like being disrespectful.

A mother-in-law wants respect be she African, Asian, Arabian, American or European. The manner of expression of respect demanded may differ but the principle holds. If you're meeting your African mother-in-law for the first time, it can't be wise to be culturally disdainful. You'll come off as a product of poor upbringing, lacking in manners and tutorial resistant. An ákògbà.  If the bad blood from your mother-in-law proceeds from your magnificent display of lack of wisdom, you brought it on yourself. It's not a sign of "exposure" to culturally disrespect your future mother-in-law. The least you can do is respect her age. You're not yet in, mind you! And she can give you a lot of trouble. A whole lot of trouble! She can truncate the wedding; or make it emotionally expensive. She's that powerful. You don't need such trouble.

But some mothers-in-law don't proceed from provocation. They have an intrinsic capacity for distemperate comportment. Often times they're battling their own demons - their pasts, their pains and disappointments. If they've been neglected or badly treated growing up or in marriage, they simply reference their reaction, channeling anger. And sometimes it's envy. They're envious of their daughter-in-law. Envious she got a good man in their son.

Sometimes it's possessiveness. They want to hold on to their son. Won't let go. Both of you are now two girls tugging at a doll. Sometimes it's angst. They graphically portray their treatment in the hands of their father or mother, or guardian. Or husband. And sometimes it's just bad influencers in the form of extended family members and "friends" - envious lot!  Some people are very impressionable. They just follow the directives of others; influenced to afflict the home of their son.

And then there's the bad aspect of certain culture that sees wives as disposables and interchangeables. A wife can leave a man at any time but a mother can never leave, the justification says. Yet the scriptures say a father and mother can forsake their child; that a mother can forget her suckling. What's the basis of comparison between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law? "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cling to his wife" seems so straightforward! The scripture is not, "For this cause shall a man marry and cling on to his mother."

Now, there are power variants of the bad mother-in-law. Some are colonialists. Some are extension workers. Some are continuing education mother-in-law, and some are avatar mother-in-law. The colonialist mother-in-law wants to commandeer her son's home and marriage. She'll take over the kitchen, dictate what goes on in the house, even lay down laws. The extension worker mother-in-law wants to extend her home into her son's home. She sees both as a continuum. She feels she can move in and out of her son's home like it's an architectural addendum to her abode. The continuing education mother-in-law wants to keep dictating instructions to her son, telling her full grown son what to do. The avatar mother-in-law wants to replicate the life she wished she had through her son. She lives through him. The end result is an oppressed young wife who's a tenant in her own home, with a resident permit in her matrimony.

I blame the sons for this kind of situation. He needs to define boundaries for his intrusive mother, though respectfully. He needs to make it known to his mum it's not her home. Such mums won't stop! Not without nouthetic confrontation.

A matrimonial home has specific constitution. It does not include the mother-in-law. As a wife you must be wise and firm with such mother-in-law if you want to be happy in your home. Respectfully lay claim to your home. Don't be rude. You can't be. She's your mother-in-law. Trust me, such a mother-in-law won't take what she's dishing out to you; or allow her daughter to be so treated.

A good mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law like her own daughter; cares for her, prays for her. A good mother-in-law does not intrude into her son's matrimonial home and affair. A good mother-in-law does not compete for the affection of her son with her daughter-in-law. There's no basis for it! A good mother-in-law does not seek to tarnish the image of her daughter-in-law, or turn her into a social fodder.

A good mother-in-law is a blessing, not a burden. She must not become a goddess who must be appeased. A good mother-in-law will not visit physical violence on her daughter-in-law, or facilitate one. A good mother-in-law does not selfishly seek to destroy her son's home. She respects her son's marriage. A good mother-in-law is graceful, accommodating, benevolent. She's understanding and generous in disposition. A good mother-in-law mentors her daughter-in-law.

May you be so lucky, like Ruth. And may God give your husband knowledge and courage.

TEMPER

let's talk a little about uncomfortable truths this morning - about this temper thing.
men are very uncomfortable with temperamental women, and you'll see why. The man will friend-zone you if you're temperamental. Which is an irony - a reverse equation. That means he'll like hanging out with you, but won't dare commit because he's afraid of being in a relationship with that temper. In a man's thinking he can hang out with you because it's not his problem. It's your future husband's problem. And some men will just take off! Can't handle it. For the alpha male it means you're incontrollable. Temper is scary to men!

Now, here's the thing about temper: no one will tell you the truth about you and your temperament, and its implications. Everyone will be scared of telling you the truth. Your temper will thus seem relationship compatible. No one is complaining! And so you won't understand why none of those guys want to date you. They'll stop just short of crossing the line. Why won't people tell you? Because it's too much agro (aggravation). Requires too much emotional expenditure. No one wants to put himself through talking to someone who can't listen and who won't listen! The world view of a temperamental person shuts out correction. That temper makes relationship difficult!

Another reason people won't tell is because they're scared of becoming enemies. Your temper may tag them enemies. So you have this self protective hypocrisy going on, people walking gingerly around you, avoiding certain inflections. Your cauldron of magma can boil over at any moment and they don't want you rude to them. Will destroy the relationship. You're a great friend to have nonetheless, though difficult. You have your value and you have your use. They'll call you for movies if they need to take out a friend. But they're stopped from taking things further. And so they'll make friends with you but go on to marry someone else. You may become a perpetual wedding planner. Your male friends are not volunteering to take permanent custody of that temper. The men will thus rather relate on a free agency basis than go into marital residency with you.

The reason men are scared of temperamental women is because men are innately wired to desire peace. Moodiness... temperament... controlling tendencies... nastiness... These emotional spectra are anti well being for men. As for controlling tendency, it's usually borne out of insecurity - the need to take control to avoid hurt.

For some women however, it's a result of the environment they grew up in. It's all they know. It's therefore normative. And those who grow up in the shadow of a domineering father, or pushful mother tend to become them trying to resist them. They know if they don't push back, emotional imbecility will be thrust upon them. Fear.
men don't like being controlled or being dictated to. Something about it insults a man's sense of worth, his valuation. he'll resist silently and determinedly. And that's the most dangerous type of male resistance. You won't see it. And so it's not really that men are "scared" of you because you're an independent woman, they're just being wise about that temper and that domineering and controlling tendency.

I've told you before, men project. That's the way men think. And it's not irrational. In fact it's very rational. A man says to himself, "If she can be this temperamental over this little issue, will I be able to handle her?" Doubt. Or he says to himself, "If she can shout this much over a misdemeanour by her staff, can I handle it!?" Fear. The anger or temperament need not be directed at the man. Just you shouting at your staff can make a man take off. Again, projection. You know those movies in which someone flies off the handle then turns around coolly to say, "What were we saying?" That's how it comes across. And there's something about shouting at domestic staff that's disturbing to men. There's something about it that removes peace from men. They don't want to get involved. They resent it. Anything that vitiates environmental peace a man can't handle emotionally. men's peace is not determined by absence of fights. Nagging, moodiness and temperament are peace annihilators. men can't deal with MTN - Moodiness, Temperament, Nastiness . They either retreat into a safe haven, or run.

If you don't control your temper you're going to have a situation in which a woman is strenuously trying to date you but can't! Of course this sends confusing signals to you. The coast is clear and he's not taking the step! Why?! It's the temper thing. It's a barrier. He can't overcome it. He'll want a relationship but can't handle the temper. Actually, in the fellowship of men you'll probably hear people talk about how wonderful you are! The syllogism is always how kind or caring, or xyz you are, BUT... And that's a big but. "But" is spelt t-e-m-p-e-r! And that's how you end up being single past your prime. There are many who want you but... that temper thing!

The thing though is that a temperamental woman feels she has the RIGHT to express herself anyway she likes. Same goes for a temperamental man. He feels he has sovereign right to erupt. It's power. No considerations. That's actually affirmed by the Book of Proverbs. A temperamental person utters all his anger, it says. Solomon calls such foolishness however. A wise man holds back anger, stills it, he said. You need control, discipline. Look, I'm trying to be nice. Solomon actually used harsh words for habitual anger. He says a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity. Those are his exact words. Here's another Solomonic: "Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly."

If you want to have a relationship, the first thing to get rid of is that sovereign right to fly off the handle. It's not subject to societal convention or intimate control. Creates grief in a relationship. And that thing temperamental people do: unleashing the fury of their frustration on others? That non discriminatory fury that gives no hoot about history, facts, circumstance or the future, stop it! It destroyed your last relationship. You constantly unleashed the fury of your frustration on the one person who loved you. How wise was that? You lost him! It takes stubborn love or resignation to be in a relationship with a temperamental person.

Solomon is in effect saying that temperament is a lack of discipline - an acute lack of emotional control.

Better put your anger under. It's a matrimonial hindrance.