50 SHADES OF LUST

 
My Dear, seems your boyfriend is into kinky sex; he's you know 50 Shades of Grey. The demands he's making on you seems to point in that direction. He has a fetishism for hair and smell, that's why he's making those demands. He gets offended if you shave any part of you, you say and when you're together he likes to smell "you".

He's actually getting high on pheromones. When he's high he gets sexually aggressive.  It's why on those three occasions he couldn't stop himself from trying to violate your agreement on no premarital sex. Though he says he knows what he's doing I'm not really sure he's in a position to make that judgment. Your relationship is hardly months old yet it's so sexually charged I doubt if you'll be able to keep that vow. Being real.

You say he wants you to send him constant pictures of yourself. The incessancy of the demand is what's troubling. Young men in love sometimes demand for real time picture feeds but I’m not sure this is so much about love. The picture demands might get more explicit and soon there may be progression to trophies. He may soon start to demand the mailing of certain items of clothing too indecorous for my mention. You're lucky though that you're in different parts of town. But aren't you running a huge risk each time you meet? Going by the contents of your letter this guy may rape you some day. He's constantly high on pheromones. In the world he inhabits your objections and protestations may actually be read as relish. Paul recommends marriage if you can't handle sexual pressure in a relationship. He called sexual pressure "burning", as in burning with lust. If you can't control yourself marry he says.

Told you God is interested in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, didn't I! We're the religious ones. God is not religious. He's not too "holy" to discuss intimate details of our existence! Unfortunately you're still in school. Your parents won't consent to marriage at this stage of your life. Even if, you hardly know this guy (obviously). Your relationship is inchoate, incipient. You can't and shouldn't marry someone you hardly know. Your relationship is just a couple of months old. You can't even be talking of marriage. Clearly you're not of kinky sexual persuasion. It's why you're having internal conflicts. You're not exposed in that direction and you're having trouble reconciling yourself to his increasingly weird demands.

He's also mandated you to stay slim, not to put on any weight. In future how's he going to deal with pregnancy? The only reason you're hanging on to this guy is because he's the only one who's paid you any attention in a long time. That's why you're yielding to demands you're not comfortable with. You're afraid of losing him. I understand. It's a typical dilemma and it's faced by many girls. The fear of losing a relationship sometimes makes us accommodating and amenable to unusual demands. Your boyfriend knows you weren't getting that much attention before he came along and he's exploiting it. Despite his promises to you he's going to keep chipping away at your resistance until you succumb.

Don't believe what a man says with his mouth if his actions say otherwise. Funnily enough your lack of exposure to his world is a turn on for him. He likes the fact he's breaking you in. The bigger issue though is the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. I don't know how you're ever going to be able to satisfy this man carnally in marriage. He's at one extreme- extreme left. You're right of right. Many times people don't pay attention to the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. That creates tension later. If you don't have the same taste in sex and don't share proclivity how's it going to work? He's going to be frustrated. He's going to make demands you're going to say no to, or acquiesce to with reluctance. That won't satisfy him psychologically. It sometimes amazes me that dating couples don't take time to discuss sexual compatibility yet they discuss children! Marriages have been known to break down from the frustration of sexual incompatibility. And how does a man with a liberal disposition towards sex want to marry an ultra conservative woman? The cracks will show up in time and widen with time. Sexual frustration in marriage is a big issue!

If you want to marry someone you want to discuss all subjects- money, babies, careers, beauty, fashion, extended family... If he has religious reservation on a mode of dressing that's not just about clothes. It's a life philosophy issue. It's going to spread beyond ear rings and clothes...to kids' education, your career, social circles, TV programs... Find out what he wants. Some people want joint account for example, some don't want it. Don't be too shy to discuss salient issues like sex. Aren't you going to be naked with him after marriage? You may not agree on everything but at least put issues on the table. That's how you craft a compromise.

 If you don't want surprises and unhappiness in marriage you better start broaching certain subjects now. What are his views about family coming to live with you after marriage for example? What is his philosophy of finance? What are his views on the financial role of a wife, about women earnings? What about his views on conflict resolution when there's a disagreement? Is the resolution mechanism the extended family? You've got to have his views on his beloved mama! Does he believe she has an executive role in your marriage? His sisters? You've got to have an idea of his ideas about sex. You're going to have sexual congress in marriage. Young men have fantasies.

A young man who wants to date you and tells you he believes in one night stands is telling you something bigger than obvious. A young man who wants to date you as a divorcee but let it slip he can't take a divorcee home to mama is saying something. As well as a young man who doesn't believe in going to church is saying something to you. You better listen. Better to accept people for what they are than to seek to change them. What if they don't change after marriage? Don't fall for the myth of you as saviour and converter of souls. The title is already taken.

I say discuss everything... And I mean everything...if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Certain discussions are too late after the marriage ceremony. Some things should be said before saying "I do"

MOTHER IN LAW

To be honest with you, there are 3 types of mothers-in-law. You have the good, the insouciant and the... what has now come to be known as the erm... monster-in-law. May you be so fortunate to have a loving and kind mother-in-law.

It's unfortunate that the term mother-in-law has almost become synonymous with tyranny and colonial authority. Yet some mothers-in-law are so wonderful they are a factor in the love the woman has for their son. Same holds for the men. The truth is some men married their wives for the love of their mother-in-law. But some mothers-in-law are so oppressive their son's marriage is only holding because of the special grace of God!

There's the case of the mother-in-law who landed a vulgar slap on the face of her daughter-in-law, right in front of her son! She left an indelible memory of unprovoked aggression on the face of her daughter-in-law turning it into plasticine. The truth is, only the son can protect his wife from his mother. If he won't, you're in a difficult position. Unfortunately, not many sons can confront bad behaviour in their mum. There's that inexplicable mother-son inhibition. May have something to do with feeling guilty for all the milk taken in infancy. The milk for some mothers was given on credit. In reality, there are very few people with the emotional energy to confront a mother-in-law who's a monster-in-law.

As a daughter-in-law you'll come off in very bad light being confrontational with your mum-in-law. If you're African, there are cultural refrainments and considerations. And culture can be powerful. I suggest you and your husband have a constitutional conference, if you're in this predicament. Why are some mothers-in-law this way? Why are they local government terrors? Has nothing to do with you really. Unless of course you did something untoward like being disrespectful.

A mother-in-law wants respect be she African, Asian, Arabian, American or European. The manner of expression of respect demanded may differ but the principle holds. If you're meeting your African mother-in-law for the first time, it can't be wise to be culturally disdainful. You'll come off as a product of poor upbringing, lacking in manners and tutorial resistant. An ákògbà.  If the bad blood from your mother-in-law proceeds from your magnificent display of lack of wisdom, you brought it on yourself. It's not a sign of "exposure" to culturally disrespect your future mother-in-law. The least you can do is respect her age. You're not yet in, mind you! And she can give you a lot of trouble. A whole lot of trouble! She can truncate the wedding; or make it emotionally expensive. She's that powerful. You don't need such trouble.

But some mothers-in-law don't proceed from provocation. They have an intrinsic capacity for distemperate comportment. Often times they're battling their own demons - their pasts, their pains and disappointments. If they've been neglected or badly treated growing up or in marriage, they simply reference their reaction, channeling anger. And sometimes it's envy. They're envious of their daughter-in-law. Envious she got a good man in their son.

Sometimes it's possessiveness. They want to hold on to their son. Won't let go. Both of you are now two girls tugging at a doll. Sometimes it's angst. They graphically portray their treatment in the hands of their father or mother, or guardian. Or husband. And sometimes it's just bad influencers in the form of extended family members and "friends" - envious lot!  Some people are very impressionable. They just follow the directives of others; influenced to afflict the home of their son.

And then there's the bad aspect of certain culture that sees wives as disposables and interchangeables. A wife can leave a man at any time but a mother can never leave, the justification says. Yet the scriptures say a father and mother can forsake their child; that a mother can forget her suckling. What's the basis of comparison between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law? "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cling to his wife" seems so straightforward! The scripture is not, "For this cause shall a man marry and cling on to his mother."

Now, there are power variants of the bad mother-in-law. Some are colonialists. Some are extension workers. Some are continuing education mother-in-law, and some are avatar mother-in-law. The colonialist mother-in-law wants to commandeer her son's home and marriage. She'll take over the kitchen, dictate what goes on in the house, even lay down laws. The extension worker mother-in-law wants to extend her home into her son's home. She sees both as a continuum. She feels she can move in and out of her son's home like it's an architectural addendum to her abode. The continuing education mother-in-law wants to keep dictating instructions to her son, telling her full grown son what to do. The avatar mother-in-law wants to replicate the life she wished she had through her son. She lives through him. The end result is an oppressed young wife who's a tenant in her own home, with a resident permit in her matrimony.

I blame the sons for this kind of situation. He needs to define boundaries for his intrusive mother, though respectfully. He needs to make it known to his mum it's not her home. Such mums won't stop! Not without nouthetic confrontation.

A matrimonial home has specific constitution. It does not include the mother-in-law. As a wife you must be wise and firm with such mother-in-law if you want to be happy in your home. Respectfully lay claim to your home. Don't be rude. You can't be. She's your mother-in-law. Trust me, such a mother-in-law won't take what she's dishing out to you; or allow her daughter to be so treated.

A good mother-in-law treats her daughter-in-law like her own daughter; cares for her, prays for her. A good mother-in-law does not intrude into her son's matrimonial home and affair. A good mother-in-law does not compete for the affection of her son with her daughter-in-law. There's no basis for it! A good mother-in-law does not seek to tarnish the image of her daughter-in-law, or turn her into a social fodder.

A good mother-in-law is a blessing, not a burden. She must not become a goddess who must be appeased. A good mother-in-law will not visit physical violence on her daughter-in-law, or facilitate one. A good mother-in-law does not selfishly seek to destroy her son's home. She respects her son's marriage. A good mother-in-law is graceful, accommodating, benevolent. She's understanding and generous in disposition. A good mother-in-law mentors her daughter-in-law.

May you be so lucky, like Ruth. And may God give your husband knowledge and courage.

TEMPER

let's talk a little about uncomfortable truths this morning - about this temper thing.
men are very uncomfortable with temperamental women, and you'll see why. The man will friend-zone you if you're temperamental. Which is an irony - a reverse equation. That means he'll like hanging out with you, but won't dare commit because he's afraid of being in a relationship with that temper. In a man's thinking he can hang out with you because it's not his problem. It's your future husband's problem. And some men will just take off! Can't handle it. For the alpha male it means you're incontrollable. Temper is scary to men!

Now, here's the thing about temper: no one will tell you the truth about you and your temperament, and its implications. Everyone will be scared of telling you the truth. Your temper will thus seem relationship compatible. No one is complaining! And so you won't understand why none of those guys want to date you. They'll stop just short of crossing the line. Why won't people tell you? Because it's too much agro (aggravation). Requires too much emotional expenditure. No one wants to put himself through talking to someone who can't listen and who won't listen! The world view of a temperamental person shuts out correction. That temper makes relationship difficult!

Another reason people won't tell is because they're scared of becoming enemies. Your temper may tag them enemies. So you have this self protective hypocrisy going on, people walking gingerly around you, avoiding certain inflections. Your cauldron of magma can boil over at any moment and they don't want you rude to them. Will destroy the relationship. You're a great friend to have nonetheless, though difficult. You have your value and you have your use. They'll call you for movies if they need to take out a friend. But they're stopped from taking things further. And so they'll make friends with you but go on to marry someone else. You may become a perpetual wedding planner. Your male friends are not volunteering to take permanent custody of that temper. The men will thus rather relate on a free agency basis than go into marital residency with you.

The reason men are scared of temperamental women is because men are innately wired to desire peace. Moodiness... temperament... controlling tendencies... nastiness... These emotional spectra are anti well being for men. As for controlling tendency, it's usually borne out of insecurity - the need to take control to avoid hurt.

For some women however, it's a result of the environment they grew up in. It's all they know. It's therefore normative. And those who grow up in the shadow of a domineering father, or pushful mother tend to become them trying to resist them. They know if they don't push back, emotional imbecility will be thrust upon them. Fear.
men don't like being controlled or being dictated to. Something about it insults a man's sense of worth, his valuation. he'll resist silently and determinedly. And that's the most dangerous type of male resistance. You won't see it. And so it's not really that men are "scared" of you because you're an independent woman, they're just being wise about that temper and that domineering and controlling tendency.

I've told you before, men project. That's the way men think. And it's not irrational. In fact it's very rational. A man says to himself, "If she can be this temperamental over this little issue, will I be able to handle her?" Doubt. Or he says to himself, "If she can shout this much over a misdemeanour by her staff, can I handle it!?" Fear. The anger or temperament need not be directed at the man. Just you shouting at your staff can make a man take off. Again, projection. You know those movies in which someone flies off the handle then turns around coolly to say, "What were we saying?" That's how it comes across. And there's something about shouting at domestic staff that's disturbing to men. There's something about it that removes peace from men. They don't want to get involved. They resent it. Anything that vitiates environmental peace a man can't handle emotionally. men's peace is not determined by absence of fights. Nagging, moodiness and temperament are peace annihilators. men can't deal with MTN - Moodiness, Temperament, Nastiness . They either retreat into a safe haven, or run.

If you don't control your temper you're going to have a situation in which a woman is strenuously trying to date you but can't! Of course this sends confusing signals to you. The coast is clear and he's not taking the step! Why?! It's the temper thing. It's a barrier. He can't overcome it. He'll want a relationship but can't handle the temper. Actually, in the fellowship of men you'll probably hear people talk about how wonderful you are! The syllogism is always how kind or caring, or xyz you are, BUT... And that's a big but. "But" is spelt t-e-m-p-e-r! And that's how you end up being single past your prime. There are many who want you but... that temper thing!

The thing though is that a temperamental woman feels she has the RIGHT to express herself anyway she likes. Same goes for a temperamental man. He feels he has sovereign right to erupt. It's power. No considerations. That's actually affirmed by the Book of Proverbs. A temperamental person utters all his anger, it says. Solomon calls such foolishness however. A wise man holds back anger, stills it, he said. You need control, discipline. Look, I'm trying to be nice. Solomon actually used harsh words for habitual anger. He says a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity. Those are his exact words. Here's another Solomonic: "Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly."

If you want to have a relationship, the first thing to get rid of is that sovereign right to fly off the handle. It's not subject to societal convention or intimate control. Creates grief in a relationship. And that thing temperamental people do: unleashing the fury of their frustration on others? That non discriminatory fury that gives no hoot about history, facts, circumstance or the future, stop it! It destroyed your last relationship. You constantly unleashed the fury of your frustration on the one person who loved you. How wise was that? You lost him! It takes stubborn love or resignation to be in a relationship with a temperamental person.

Solomon is in effect saying that temperament is a lack of discipline - an acute lack of emotional control.

Better put your anger under. It's a matrimonial hindrance.

ARE WE THERE YET?

My Dear, sometimes I marvel at our capacity to complicate simple things with religion. It’s exasperating.

This boyfriend-girlfriend thing: it seems so simple and straightforward! Boy meets girl. He wants to be with her, for whatever reason - her physical or non-physical attributes or both. He begins to fantasize about being married to her, imagining scenarios in his head. Boys do that. Guys think in fast forward mode. It’s why a guy wants a kiss on the very first date. He’s way past himself!

Boy tells girl I like you, I’d like for us to go out. Girl likes boy but acts coy. She can’t just say yes! It’s all a game and boy understands. Boy knows girl likes him. Girl knows boy knows she likes him. She steals gazes at him anytime they’re visually proximate and he steals gazes at her too. Virtual IVs.

Boy approaches girl once more. He’s pretty confident of a Yes. Well, almost. He’s got 2 tickets to this concert, he says. Would she like to come? (Heart is pounding). Girl says yes! (Hallelujah!) And the texts begin to fly. Sleeplessness begins! They go for concert. And the texting regime continues: Thank you for last night, he says. Had a nice time, she replies. “You looked pretty.” “Thank you, but I didn’t even have time to make up properly.” “Really?” “Was rushing… O my!” And the toast goes on ad infinitum. Of course he wasn’t texting to thank her for last night. He’s seeking future dates.

And so they go on a second date, and a third... They’re really liking each other. With each successive date they’re becoming an item. She’s falling for him, he’s falling for her. At some point the male proprietary hormone decides to put a stop to peripheral maneuvers. “Will you be my girlfriend,” he asks, directly. “Yes I’ll like that,” she responds. And they become an item, formally. That fact wards off other boys.

She’s Jack’s girlfriend now. Of course she assumes exclusivity! And so they go out together, spend time together, quarrel together - as young lovers are wont to do. Everyone assumes the relationship is serious enough though not serious enough it can’t break. It’s how it is.

Now, however you choose to religiously appellate what I’ve just laid out, it’s a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. He’s a boy, she’s a girl; they’re in a special friendship as emotional correspondents. Boy, girl, friends: boyfriend-girlfriend! There’s nothing unspiritual about the term “boyfriend-girlfriend”. It’s just a sociological term. The problem comes when a religious order tries to upturn societal convention calling such basic relationship “engagement.” Instead of boyfriend-girlfriend do we then say engagee-engagor for spiritual differentiation?!

 Engagement is a very serious term. In human convention it’s an agreement to marry. It’s a marital commitment. The fiancé can actually sue if there’s breach of promise of marriage. Many don’t know but there’s case law on it. The guy being convinced the girl he’s been dating is right for him by convention goes on his knee to propose. The genuflection is accompanied by a ring with a stone. The ring is inserted on fourth finger of left hand. If you like it put a ring on it! (Oh, Oh, Oh!). This is societal convention and it’s commonsensical.

How can you be engaged to someone you hardly know?! That you attend the same church or move in the same social circles doesn’t mean you know him! His personage as just a friend may be completely different from his personage as husband in waiting. He may begin to exhibit traits incompatible with your peace of mind. As acting husband he may be very possessive, restrictive and even oppressive. But if you spend time on dates with him you’ll have the opportunity to know him in the context of a relationship. To listen to his ideas on women, marriage, family, work, fatherhood… You will see things in luculent summation.

Religious differentiation cannot be antithetic to obvious sense. You’re not all spirit, you’re human! You have a body and you have a soul - your mind, your will, your emotions, your imagination. Let me tell you the danger of referring to boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as engagement. If you treat boyfriend-girlfriend relationship as engagement you bring unbearable pressure on yourself. You’ve essentially committed to marriage to a man you hardly know. And if while in that relationship you discover things you find anomalous, religiosity expects you to manage. Remember you’re working towards a foregone conclusion. And so your concerns are suppressed. And in that state you enter marriage.

The euphoria may last a month but the realities you ignored will show up. You’ll be stuck, unhappy, sad and depressed. You’ll feel imprisoned. All because you failed to do due diligence. In my business consulting experience I’ve never seen a merger or acquisition without homework or due diligence. Marriage is a merger. How can you go into a covenanted merger with a poor knowledge of facts?

This premature engagement thing - it’s not new. It’s old! Actually dates back 40 years to fellowships on campus. Since the “world” used the term boyfriend-girlfriend, they used “engagement” for differentiation. It was a delineation of value systems. They sought to eliminate flakiness by artificial means. It was well motivated and sincere, but it was based on a sincerely faulty reasoning. And it created problems. How do 16, 17, 18, 19year olds get engaged, no one bothered to ask! They had pubescent emotions, hardly knew themselves, or what life is all about. And they were in a protected environment. And soon the troubles began. Breakages simulated divorce. They were very traumatic.

Of course post-university most of the “engagements” didn’t end in marriage. The real world made sure. Some came out of school and realized they made a serious decision from grave ignorance. They made a choice from inchoate knowledge, they fished from a limited pool. And the incompatibles who swept things under the carpet ended up in divorce court, or worse circumstances.

Some did succeed however, as the laws of probability dictate. Some are happily married. I’m amazed the mistakes of 40 years ago are being repeated in the name of spiritual differentiation. When we seek to artificially upturn societal order we must be ready for the sociological consequences. Is spirituality a repudiation of humanity and commonsensical societal convention? Think.

YOU IMPREGNATED HER

My Dear, I'm sorry I can’t tell you what to do. This is in line with my belief that a man should make his own marital decisions. I can give you guidelines, help you analyse issues, but you must take your own decision. You can shop around for clarity but you can’t shop around for a decision.

You and this lady are coming from two very different perspectives. She’s coming from a cultural perspective. She believes she should marry the man who impregnated her. You’re struggling with unbelief.

Not much has happened between you since the birth of the child, you said. And now she’s come after a space of about three years to ask what’s happening to both of you. In other words, now that you've finished school and got a job, what about marriage? And what about her? According to you however, the only relationship you've had is the child.

She got pregnant at 18, you were 22. And you didn't want the child. Guess you didn't want to be a father at 22. Unfortunately you can’t erase a child. She’s an irreversible living breathing reality. The question you ask is: Must you marry her because you impregnated her? And should you marry her because you impregnated her? The sex was no doubt hormonal opportunism.

I can imagine how this woman feels - you devirginized her! Loss of virginity is epochal for many women. They remember whom, where and when. You saw a fresh faced kid, and you exploited her innocence with your libido. Only you slept with a very fertile young woman at the wrong time of the month. Perhaps at that time you thought you were in love. Young men often confuse sex with love. But now the biological outcome of your arduous libidinous exertion seems to have cleared your eyes.

Some will insist punitively you marry her since you impregnated her. But I worry about punitive marriages. Punition is a very wrong premise for a marital union. To be honest with you I feel punitive myself, but for different reasons. Given your background and where you’re coming from I'm amazed you would put a strain on your future.

Your background was difficult. Somehow, by the grace of God you've been able to acquire a university education. It wasn't easy. Your mum sacrificed a lot for it. I would have thought such a person as you would see the course of discipline through… That you’d get a job, stabilize, work hard, succeed, and change the trajectory of your destiny. That you’ll follow this course to make a difference in the circumstances of your family… But you had to mess up didn't you? You had to constrain yourself like one without a sense of history. And now you can’t even afford to be a father - in every sense of the word.

As you’ll soon discover fatherhood is unlike sex. Sex has discontinuance, fatherhood is perpetual. Young men never think of this but the next thirty years of your life are going to be devoted to that child. Her education will consume at least twenty-one of those years. And O yes, there’s something called school fees. You have to pay for 42 terms, at least. You haven’t even started! Next time you want to have sex think of school fees.

The truth is, you've already made one mistake. Will the marriage be a second mistake? Only you can answer. If you don’t love this woman and you marry her because of the kid you’ll end up punishing her. And some people punish the mother of their child through the kid, which is absurd. They deny the kid parenthood, abdicate responsibility for support, just to punish the mother. Well, the sex you thought was free isn't free after all. Baby formula costs money! But if both of you love each other then perhaps you should consider marriage. It’s your decision.

Somehow we think marriage will “regularize” the “mistake” of pregnancy out of wedlock. But marriage is not some correcting fluid. It’s not a retroactive time machine. Can’t backdate the child’s birthday. It’s your decision what you want to do but if you don’t marry her, and things don’t work out for her, you’ll bear a moral burden.

You disrupted her schooling!  Though I'm glad she’s back in school. Not many are that fortunate. It takes extra-ordinary effort to overcome the challenges of premature motherhood. Without parental support it’s a difficult endeavour. Not all parents are benevolent.

And if people accuse you of finding her good for sex but suddenly unsuitable for marriage you brought it upon yourself. I’ll advice you take your marital decision like any other marital decision: Will we make a good couple? Will I be happy? Will she be happy? How about long term? The least you can do is be a good dad to your daughter. She didn't ask to come into this world, you brought her! Whatever decision you take, you will need to work extra hard to take care of your child. You must be there for her. Your father wasn't there for you and you know how that felt like.

Now let me advice you about your present state: You better not impregnate another woman! Or your life will get very interesting! If I were you I’ll zip up! You have enough on your plate. One “accidental” impregnation is a mistake, two is character. If you have another “accidental child” from another woman you’ll become a parable.

You've got a decision to make. Are you going to marry the mother of your child or not? I hope this clarifies your premises for you.

COMING LATE TO THE MARRIAGE PARTY

The reason you're having these challenges is because you were used to staying alone. You married late.

You're used to taking decisions without consultation. You'll need to make adjustments. Don't forget you had almost resigned yourself to spinsterhood when this man came along. Why stay out for so long only to wreck the marriage when the opportunity came along! It's worth saving your marriage. And why shouldn't it work! You have age on your side. With age comes appreciation of the graciousness of life. With age also come maturity and a considerate approach to marriage.

This maturity is one of your husband's consolations. He didn’t marry a small girl. He married a mature woman. As I see it, the problem lies in the contest of wills and communication - a lack of it in particular. And then the tone. You're a GM in your office. You're used to giving orders. You're she who must be obeyed. You can't transfer your office function home and begin to give instructions to your husband like the GM you are. Won't work! You have to separate Jil the General Manager from Jil the Wife. They are separate individuals.

There are of course expectations we have of the man. Having failed at marriage once we expect him to succeed this time. And honestly if both of you fail at this you'll become a "parable in Israel" - "Remember So and So?!" If you're working late just give your husband a call. Send him a text. It's the considerate thing to do. If you're out late without notification and your husband isn't worried, we should be worried!

Uncared, carelessness, resignation, suspicion, anger, resentment are words which readily come to mind. No longer caring is often symptomatic of deep resentment. That's a long dark alley - the valley of the shadow of death. A simple notification will not allow the imagination to prosper. It renders the accuser mute, eliminates suspicion. Communication, communication, communication. It's one of the most important ingredients of marriage. You can't be single in marriage.

And yes he appreciates all the beautiful gifts your earnings can buy but the biggest gift of all is your availability. You must make time to spend with your husband. All week you're out, and tired. And now all weekend?! It's one engagement after the other all weekend. And the few available moments you spend with your friends. What about "Us time"? What about Saturday morning cuddles? What about enjoying the company of each other? Wisdom dear! Wisdom! A man should not be neglected. You're neglecting your husband. If you continue this way, your marriage will become an apparatus of matrimonial status, a functioning shell. And that's how the road to divorce court is tarred - matrimonial neglect. A tar is "a black bituminous odorous viscous liquid obtained by destructive distillation of organic material" – Webster. Sounds like the by product of a chemistry exercise by a malevolent force in a bad marriage. With your stations both of you have means to drop everything and take off for the weekend. Book into a hotel for the weekend. Forget everything and everyone. Spend time together. Live, play, love. Kill the alarm, watch movies, all day. Laugh together. Take your bath late. Dine alfresco. Sleep in. The pressure never ends. It will never end. The more you succeed, the more you need to succeed.

Prioritise. Your husband is priority. Your home is important. Don't crash your marriage. You'll lose more than a husband. You'll lose more than a prefix. You'll lose a friend, confidant, emotional comfort, encourager, lover... Do you really want to lose all that? Mature men have a certain level of forbearance, but there comes a point when a man feels he's being taken for granted. You don't want your husband on the periphery of your life looking in on his marriage. You must both learn to do things together. It takes conscious effort. You must unlearn singlehood. Those habits you developed were coping mechanisms. Now things have changed, why are you keeping old habits? You can't also insist on doing things the way you used to when you were single. You're now married.

If you want to be happy in marriage you must be accommodating. Yes, your bed was always tidy and white before you married. So tidy it looked like an asylum advert. Now you have to accommodate his dishabille. It's called marriage! If you truly love him those complaints will become rituals of marriage - loving expressions of forbearance. Aren't those the kind of tales you hear from your mum about your dad's "incorrigible" ways? They're love chapters of old age. Don't lose your husband's friendship. It's invaluable. It's what's left after the sex and the teeth are gone in old age.

You may want to cut down on your discussions with your friends about your husband. He's not a subject matter. At his age men value privacy a lot. He's exposed to you and he wants what he considers secret, secret. Even if you don't consider them secret, should you be discussing your husband in salons?

You also have to learn to receive gifts. You may be financially self sufficient but you're not emotionally self sufficient. It's why you married in the first place. You've got a great chance with this man, don't blow it!

There's of course the issue of children. Having married late you're behind the curve. But you've got to carry him along before you book all those gynae and fertility appointments. You can't be self-concentrated and self-centered in marriage.

And you can't be correcting your husband in public glare, especially in your corporate social circles. If you must, do it respectfully and with love. You don't want your husband counter-putting you down in public, do you? Men take these things more personal than women. He may not say a word but trust me, he'll be resentful.

When two mature adults get together they ought to leverage on their maturity. What is the value of all that age and experience?

I do hope you humble yourself and make amendments. Don't turn your "Mrs" into "Ms".

From Ade-Alao Temiloluwa a renowned relationship consultant

FRIEND ZONE

Proximity breeds thoughts about the possibility of a relationship. If you're very close to someone the thought will cross your mind at one point or the other. You view your relationship with your lady friend as pure because there's no "ulterior motive". But the woman is asking herself: If we get along this much and you feel this comfortable around me, why isn't I The One? She's in a "reverse friends’ zone".



It's the vision of a prize that is nurtured but taken away by someone else. That she's helping you plan your wedding to another woman doesn't mean she doesn't want you! She HAS to help you plan your wedding. That's what's expected of her. She's supposed to be happy for you. She can't back down without looking bad. Her amity benevolence can't be curtailed. But in private all sorts of emotions will collide in her. She'll even compare herself with your bride statistically. She may feel rejected, feel used, become sad and angry. She'll worry about what others will be thinking. And that's one of the reasons she'll get very involved in the wedding plan. She doesn't want to come off as disappointed. She may be jealous of your bride, wondering what she has SHE doesn't have. And she's known you longer! Of course she'll never admit any of these to anyone, not even to herself. It's called denial.



She'll then go extremely out of her way to plan the nuptials. She's compensating, flushing out disappointment by exertion. If you take time to look back on some of her actions and statements you'll realize she's always wanted you. Look back. She might have snapped at you on one or two occasions for taking out other ladies. And that physical comfort - how she's so free with you may indeed be an expression of interest. She might have asked you to help with a zipper or two, a necklace or hand chain - you know, clasps. A zipper helping is a fellowship of intimacy. The clasp request is an "innocent" expression of romantic desire. You think she can't clasp her neck chain herself? How did she manage in your absence? She's been telling you something but you failed to decode. You're clueless aren't you!

In fairness those statements might have been drowned in express denials of any interest in you. That's why you can't understand her "strange behaviour" after you chose your bride. She may cut off from you or even show hostility to your bride after you get married. Happens! It's a natural reaction after a long and drawn out drama of disappointment. She can't even understand herself.  Things are never going to be the same again. Nature demands that. Your bride will not allow. She dropped you many hints on her connubial availability but you failed to pick up the clues. And you failed to pick up the signals because what she was saying was contradictory to what she desired. Her acts said I want you, her mouth said I want you not. This you read as sisterly friendship. And you misread her protectiveness; and those moments she spoke on your behalf, choosing purchase items for you.

The lesson to learn from this is that women communicate desire in penumbra. And that's also because sociological convention dictates against the express communication of desire for a man. Communication is thus carried out through coyness, niceness, availability, physical freedom, generous presents, etc. Without a high degree of relationship probability, explicit communication of desire will not come. She may even tell those who dare insinuate a romantic liaison, "Oh, we're just friends!" She says these contradictory stuffs to protect her PR - so it doesn't seem she went after you.

But your friend wanted the right of first refusal. It's a very complicated code, a sophistry even experienced men struggle with. And so the man says, "Nah! She's my sister!" when his friends rib him about his unusually close female friend. Men aren't wired to deal with communication sophistry. Unfortunately women don't know men aren't wired to deal with communication sophistry. It's why the guy is more likely to go for the woman who likes him and let's him know she likes him. One who doesn't say contradictory stuff, is not worried about others knowing she likes him and makes herself available.

Men are simplistic in their emotion decoding capabilities. If they're not players they get confused with games. They understand coyness. That's simple enough. They even understand invitational "rejection".  But once the plot becomes too thick or too convoluted the signal gets lost. They lose comprehension. Signals become too complicated to decode when there's too much calculation. "I want him but I don't want anyone or even him to think I actually want him" is convoluted PR calculation.

Some women extremely go out of their way to masquerade their desire. So much so the man they want is clueless! This is made possible because the woman is conversing in three layers in her head, all at once: She's expressing her desire to herself. She's enacting scenarios with the object of her desire. She's blocking off society. The third requires a lot of pretentiousness. The first two requires a lot of imagination. I do hope this helps explain your lady friend's "strange behaviour".

Tell your friends to take another look at their close female friends. To take time to read signals. Just a few questions: Is she possessive of you? Does she get annoyed when you take someone else out? Does she drop marriage hints? Do her marriage plans eerily fit into your circumstances or what she thinks you'll want? Does she sometimes compare herself to your girlfriend? Does she imagine herself in your scenarios? Is she worried you're moving too fast with a new relationship? Did your last girlfriend feel she was in a contest with her? Does she make purchase decisions on your behalf with authoritative quotes of your preferences? If it's a yes to many of these questions you may have a lurking affection sitting down somewhere.

If you see the signs and you're interested you may want to consider strategic lateral maneuvers. If you're not interested then be sure to know what you're doing!

JUSTIFICATION

I don't know if you've ever heard ringing phrases in your ear. You know, words that just keep looping in the ears, repeating themselves over and over again.

As I thought on what to share with you this weekend the words of an African proverb kept ringing in my ears. The proverb says in essence that the market is shutting down and the sellers must pack their wares and go home. As I ruminated over the strangeness of those words, looking for the meaning this interpretation came to my heart.

There's an issue you've been carrying in your heart for years now- a relationship issue. Perhaps you had a breakup of a long standing relationship; you feel you wasted your years- you're full of regrets. Or you went through a divorce last year or some years back. Your marriage crashed, after years of mental agony. Or you got pregnant for someone who then turned around and repudiated responsibility, amazingly! Or you got pregnant for someone you thought you were exclusive with only to discover otherwise. Or you got pregnant, and while he acknowledged paternity he then broke up with you. Or you got pregnant for someone who confusingly accepts biologic consequence but repudiates responsibility for your state! Or you got pregnant for someone who made promises, but who then vacated the promises and vacated your life.

You've been dealing with pain and anger, self recrimination and bitterness. You habour tears of anger, beneath your surface. Your eyes get wet when you think about your treatment and sequence of events. You feel like crying but the tears will not form in significant quantities. Sometimes you swallow the saliva of impotence. And sometimes the lava finds a crack and you lash out. You don't mean to, but you can't help it and you don’t care.

You've been rolling over the issue in your heart's mind, from year to year, You can't seem to let go of the cocktail of pain and anger. Can't let go, even after so many years.

Surprisingly some people have judged you without knowing the facts; without even hearing your side of the story. You're been castigated by the haters... And so you want justification. You keep replaying your justification in your head. You keep arguing with invisible accusers who are real but not real. There's no one to engage. Your accusers prefer to diss you out of accessible context behind your back. They won't confront you to give you an opportunity to state your case. Cowards they are!

That puts you in a limbo of some sort, - a medium in slow motion that can't really hit whatever it is. You're in this suspended animated state of existing, not moving forward though the years carry you by. You sense the busybodies condemning you don't actually want the facts. And how many will you explain to? And how many have you explained to? They listen to you but it's just fodder for gist.

You sense they're not really for you, that you're not getting through and it feels weird. Even your so called "friends" joined the circus of highwire condemnation. They bounced your history with them. And the people you expect will stand up for you have become political, ducking support. And your ex? He keeps playing to the gallery, with subtlety instigating the court of public opinion against you......feeding lies and misleading half truths to the republic of haters. He is now the victim! It's a vindictive PR war.

Your accusers have found a common cause. They are now a federation, though ordinarily they have nothing in common. It's a mixed multitude out there- the envious, the scornful, the haters, the malicious, the grudge bearers... The real pain for you, the nagging pain is a strange denial of opportunity to state your case. And so you keep addressing people in your heart, talking to imaginary people, trying to convince enemies who laugh at you.

Like a barrister in a law court you've been making your case every waking moment, walking through the aisles of facticity. If you pause to think you'll realise this argument, this justification exercise has been going on for years!

Even when you've moved on the federation keeps dragging you back, to answer unending charges. Silent accusations- like a grey atmosphere is hanging over you, is all around you, inside your head. And when you did get a chance to state your case to one of them every answer you gave generated additional accusation.

The truth is, you're wasting your time with the mixed multitude - the federation of accusers and traducers. You'll never get the justification you want, the justification you deserve. These people know the truth in their heart. They just choose to take a stand against you. It's malice aforethought.

And you wonder: Where were all these people in your years of suffering?! They had turned a blind eye to the obvious. The fact is, some are actually projecting their problems unto you. People with relationship issues sometimes do that. And it can be jealousy at play. You can't understand jealousy. You just accept it. Jealousy is not a rational emotion. You can't counter jealousy with facts. That's like stirring a large pot of soup with a screwdriver.

Some hate you because you had prison break- you courageously broke out of your situation. They're stuck! And if you've moved on and now have a wonderful relationship or marriage they view you like you got away with murder. Deliverance is not celebrated by all. Neither is progress. Stop seeking justification from unjust men. It is God that justifies.

Shut down the stalls. Don't ever discuss the issue again. Not even with your friends. The market is over. Only make sure you're a good mother to your kid(s). That you can't compromise. But it's time to totally put the past behind you, to truly move on. Shut the stalls of attempted justification for life. If you want the wound to heal stop peeling at the scab.

The more you talk about it the fresher it becomes, like a pain from just yesterday. If you're not careful it will go on for life. Witness how old people still talk with bitterness about a painful divorce. You don't owe any one of them an explanation on your life. You only owe your God and God is NOT condemning you. Let bygones be bygones. Stop meditating on the issue, seeking how to even the score.

Sometimes we have unblemished visions of our lives- no breakups, no divorce, no child out of wedlock... Our pain is sometimes the fact that this vision became blemished, turning us into subject headers of discussions. Sometimes the very fact we're being discussed brings pain. Until this incident you didn't know how private you were.

Let it go. Let him go. Let her go. Stop discussing him. Stop discussing her-  what he did to you, what she did to you. You've got to learn to let go of hurts in life, or you'll become petty, mean, stubborn, hard, sensitive and vindictive. I wish you love, and I wish you all the happiness you deserve

TIME TRAVEL

Today I want to talk about time travel. I know... Sci-fi right? But Physics is such a titillation for me. You should study it. The notion of time travel however presents a paradox - the Grandfather Paradox: Can one go back in time and kill one's own grandfather before one's father was conceived? This is the great paradox and scientists are grappling with it as with so many other bizarre realities of life.

Do you know there's a theoretical framework in Physics that says you can arrive from a journey before taking off? There's so much we don't know about life, so much to discover. Time travel of course raises questions about the nature of time itself. Is time linear like an arrow, or is it a constellation of spheres of existence, like planets as some suggest?

There's also the theoretical possibility of parallel universes. Does a "you" exist in another universe? What is Physics without exciting crazy possibilities! I wish it were properly taught in schools! Through Physics we peer into the brilliant mind of God! Theoretically, there's nothing limiting time travel, either to the past or future. Reality is another thing entirely though. But suppose we can indeed do time travel. How wonderful that would be!

Imagine if we can actually go into the past, to correct our paths in order to avoid the mistakes we have made. Or go into the past to amend our track so as to escape the trauma visited upon us. If Molly can go into the past, she could make herself one minute late to Joke's party - just one minute! Then she'd have avoided meeting Emeka the Barbarian, and all the trauma and drama. What if Justina could make herself go to the other party? She would then have avoided being raped by Sam. If Kenny can adjust the course of history, she would avoid meeting John in the present. He drained her account. And if Labake can also adjust her timeline not to sleep with Tunde. Then she wouldn't have been pregnant. Suppose, what if, perhaps, if... All these are suppositions and hypotheticals.
 
Scientists are battling with time travel not knowing we already do time travel. We undertake journeys into our past with suppositions and hypotheticals. I know Clara does time travel. She told me her aborted fetus would have been three years old now! She keeps punishing herself with that thought. We can be so harsh on ourselves, flagellating our souls in search of penance for restitution. We beat up ourselves so much for mistakes of the past we become too weak to make the journey into our future. As if doing injury to the fleshly stock of our soul would edit the past. The past is the past. No amount of recrimination we visit on ourselves will change the past. What has happened has happened. The problem most times is that we're unwilling to forgive ourselves. That unforgiven can be worse than not forgiving others. Both are terrible variants of one another. We all make mistakes. We've all made mistakes. Except hypocrites of course. Their pasts are perfect.

Amazing how God can graciously spare a man what he can't handle and he imagines himself a superman; begins to judge others! Sometimes we feel we've done such terrible things and God won't forgive us. Means you don't know God! He'll forgive anything. He’s not a man. God forgives! And he keeps forgiving! Men of course won't forgive. It's why they say terrible things about you, such horrible things! Yet their opinion is irrelevant. The only opinion that counts is God's and he's NOT judging you! Forgive yourself!

Let me quote an excerpt from David Jesse's Book of Poetry & Wonderments: "God makes everything come out right; he puts victims back on their feet... God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he’s rich in love. He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear him. He knows us inside and out, keeps in mind that we’re made of mud. God’s love... is ever and always, eternally present to all who fear him, making everything right for them and their children as they follow his Covenant ways..." Psalm 103:6-18 MSG. This coming from a man who slept with another man's wife, impregnated her and tried to obscure paternity. He didn't stop there: he arranged the gentleman's murder; then he married his wife. If a murderer can script the foregoing, surely YOU can forgive yourself for being raped. (And how is that your fault?!)

Forgive yourself for making wrong choices in life, for stupidities of youth, for willfulness, foolishness... Stop traveling into the past. Stop visiting the mistakes of your past in the vehicle of "If only..." The island of mistakes in your past is not a good tourist destination. God loves you because of your past, not despite your past.